The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one, so, on ind out what he'd been missing. Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon found himself lying in bed with an attractive partner. Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced; the professional gently took his hand and placed it on the source of her income. "Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively.
"Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a stranger to these parts."
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"
John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
George: "So what are you looking for?"
John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"
John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."
One of the Guys
A guy walks into a country bar down in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the rednecks sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some Yankee. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
Not knowing where Idaho is, the bartender says, "What do you do in Idaho ?"
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.) It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 17" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., "oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though. "Oh baby, you have such a big coke" (hope you got the super sized fries and burger with that). "That's it baby, show me that beautiful clit" (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial "oh fork me hard!"
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyber partner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say "HUH? I never got your message." Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different. Until your next hot session....cyber on my friends!
Young Bob was an absolute nut on physical fitness. Every morning before his early breakfast, unless the weather was unusually cold or foul, he put on his gym suit and jogged around the reservoir in the park. That done, he would indulge in calisthenics of some sort.
One morning, when the sun was peeping over the horizon and the dew lay refreshingly cool on the grass in the deserted park, Bob, his jogging done, threw himself down behind a line of hedges and began a strenuous series of pushups.
That same morning old Ronald was also in the park, wending his way home; but for him it was still the evening before. His tuxedo was incredibly rumpled, his hat unimaginable askew; and there emerged from him in every direction a powerful aroma of some alcoholic beverage. His tottering footsteps somehow brought him behind the row of hedges, and he stopped short as he watched Bob at his pushups.
After a few moments, he extended his cane uncertainly and managed to tap Bob on the shoulder. "Young man," he said, "I hate to be a bearer of ill tidings, but if you will take a close look, you will notice that your girl is no longer there."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Wendy the whiskey maker lived in the back hills of Kentucky and produced some of the finest whiskey available in the area. One day, as she transported her product to the black market, she had truck trouble and had to stop by the side of the road.
A young man named Tommy was passing by and stopped to help her. He was unaware of her illegal activities and remained in the dark throughout the course of the growing friendship which ensued. In due course, they became lovers with him completely unaware of her activities. One evening, the government raided her place of business and arrested her. Her young lover was with her when she was arrested and suddenly became aware of her past. The officers then transported her to the local county jail where she remained overnight.
Tommy came to visit her in the morning and as he left the sheriff asked him: "I guess this will change your feelings about her, won't it lad?"
Tommy's response was quick and emphatic. He turned to the sheriff and simply said: "She may be only a whiskey maker, but I love her still."
Cartoons & Pictures
Hidden Signs Of Dating!
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."
1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.
2. Can't hail a cab.3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
- He is a virgin.
5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.
6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.
7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.
9. Asks what the specials are.- Will want you to use handcuffs.
10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.
- Fakes orgasms.
12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.
14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.
15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
A poor struggling young man picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. Once at the fancy place, to his dismay she ordered almost every most expensive item on the menu. She ordered appetizers (everything from Calamari to Escargot), lobster, prime rib, champagne, the works! Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she answered, "but my mother isn't expecting me to suck her cock."
Amazing Picture
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