Rachel's Newsletter

Form Abuse

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" Came the response? "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

Need Money?

Cathy and I went to the Mardi Gras festivals to New Orleans for our 35th Anniversary. They had a nice room in a hotel just outside of Bourbon Street. I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 a.m. the first night there. As I was cruising down Bourbon Street, I saw a skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above me.


"Would you like to sleep with me for $100," she called down to me.

I told her, "Making love at my age is always a real effort. But, I could sure use the money."

 

"I don't want a pickle....I just wanna ride my motorcycle..." - Arlo Guthrie

I've never seen a pickle like this!  :o)

Hang On!

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

The guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.

Cartoons & Pictures

Political Cartoons, etc.

Groan

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

..and another groaner

Three kingdoms were in dispute over claims to an island in the middle of lake on which they all bordered.

Finally, after exhausting all diplomatic options, the rulers of the three kingdoms decided to send their best knights to the island for a great battle, and the winning kingdom would have claim to the island forever.

On the night before the battle, the three knights rowed out to the island, each with a retinue of their best squires. Two of the groups of squires promptly got down to the business of polishing armor, sharpening weapons and just generally making sure their respective knights were ready to face the others in the morning. .Meanwhile, the third squire tied a rope around the handle of a large kettle, hoisted it off the ground by a tree branch, and began cooking dinner, leaving his knight to tend to his own armor and weapons.

The battle, which began promptly at sunrise, was spectacular. Three knights in gleaming armor clashed with razor-sharp weapons. On and on it raged, until all three knights were dead. .Since the conflict had not been resolved, the squires then engaged in a battle of their own, until the only squire left standing was the one who had hoisted up the kettle to cook dinner the night before.

The moral: "The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two sides."

Amazing Picture