Slapping a Date
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset."What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead!"
An Israeli Sense of Humor at the UN
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'
The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a man, complete with tools, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "No, but your neighbors did."
The telephone solicitor selling basement water proofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
A Muscle Pull
Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!
Sherry, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," Nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve so you have the morals to quit going to bed with doctors?"
"For Heaven's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
Catholic Joke
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
Catholic Golf Joke
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.
The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone, and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.
Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes. As they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church.
The second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic, offering to give the priest back his money.
The priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father, I'll marry them for you.
Two guys are sitting at the bar. One says, "Did you hear the news? Mike's dead."
"Whoa! What happened to him?"
"Well, he's on his way over to my place the other day and when he arrives outside the house he doesn't brake properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survives that; that doesn't kill him at all.
He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go! That's terrible."
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he survives that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him and into the flooring."
"Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!"
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he even survives that; he pulls himself loose. So now he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."
"What a horrible death!"
"No, no, he survives that, too. He's lying in all that water, and he spots the phone with his one remaining eye and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity don't mix and so he's lying there with the juice running through him and can't get away from it."
"What an ugly way to die!"
"No no, he even survives *that*, then he..."
"Hold on now....just how the hell DID he die?"
"I shot him."
"You shot Mike? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"Well, duh! He was wrecking my house."
Funny Stuff
Political Comentary
Alaska Living
There was this fellow who got tired of living in the city and decided that he wanted to live in Alaska as an Eskimo, so he ventured out into the great unknown.
After a week he found a tribe and approached the chief proclaiming that he wanted to be an Eskimo. The chief thinking that the guy had lost all sense of reality, told the man, "Okay - first you must drink 10 gallons of homemade rot gut whiskey all at a time with no food or breaks. Then you must go out barehanded and kill a polar bear. Completing that, you must return here, and find the oldest, ugliest, dirtiest female in the tribe and make passionate love to her all night long."
The man agreed and drank all the whiskey, then set off into the frozen wasteland. The chief figures he's gone for good.
Two days later the man returns. He's a disfigured mess with his clothes practically gone, and great, gaping wounds. There is not a spot on his body that is not mauled nearly to the bone. He staggers to the chief and says, "Now where's that woman you wanted me to kill?"
Emerging from the cave of the house,
November sky greets the air, though
Today is still a single digit in October.
Without rain, mowing grass has stopped
Mowers again stored till spring awaken
To march across the lawns spewing exhaust.
Consideration is given to snow that will
Once again harass us and with lawns buried
Plowing will be for roads not fields.
When the only thing you are proud of
Is the longevity of doing an activity or
Surviving an unsettling reality;
It is November.
October 9, 2010
I have been absent from the Newsletter since the first week of October. I'm not sure any of my regular follows have noticed, as there have been no comments. The traffic to the blog site is about 400 in that time frame, without comment these people could be merely accidental readers.
IF you want to encouragemore frequent publication, use the e.mail method or the comment method to let me know. An editor could use a little encouragement!
I'm hopeful you and yours had a good Thanksgiving Day.
SMILE
Rachel
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