One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him. "Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters," Pinocchio says.
Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his penis.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street. He stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"
Paying at the Bordello
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed the door shut.
About 15 minutes later, the same three guys knocked on the door again. "Well, what do you want now?"
"Where do we pay?"
Another Story of Creation
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.
"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.
"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"
Well....... now you know!
Proof of Citizenship
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Wyoming."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Wyoming?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Dick Cheney in the middle."
Beside The Lake
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water,
The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps for the mouse,
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is probably in danger!
Cartoons & Pictures
Groaner
A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory, when the case comes to caught the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. Judge: Well, what have you to say in your defense? Boy: I'm sorry your honor. Judge: I sentence
you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately. Boy: But sir, it were only a few bars of cheap soap. Judge: Consider yourself lucky, it could have been life boy!
Poetry
by Rachel
Rain's been absent all September and
Even the last part of August, this year.
he grass in my yard, is crunchy as
Fine broken leaves are in late October.
A bunny family living under a holly bush
Near the front door, move in and out
Amid roots and morning-glory leaves,
The rustle and crackle sounds a foot fall.
Wild grape vines and poison oak climb
Up past the roof line despite the four
Times I tore them down with the rake and
It thrives still with glee as grass dies.
Lacking protestant will in a well tended lawn
An estimate of hours wasted mowing and
Trimming when the planned cover expires
In the dry shade of ungrateful flowering vines.
October 2, 2010
History's Top 10 Appropriate Uses of Fuck
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
1st - "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
This Week's Pictures
All content is submitted by readers. I have no idea where they stole it from unless it is copywrite market. All poems written by me are original from me.
Amazing Picture
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