A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a very unique looking broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I would like a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."
I forget things all the time; even important stuff, like my wife's birthday and our anniversary. This year, I had an idea for solving my dilemma. I set up an account with the florist, with instructions to send flowers to my wife for every important event -- Mother's Day, Valentine's, birthday, anniversary... even the anniversary of our first date. And with each batch of flowers there was
a note: "From your loving husband."
Needless to say, I screwed it up. On my wife's birthday, I walked in the door, noticed the bouquet on the table, and promptly said "Nice flowers honey! Where'd you get 'em?"
Cartoons & Pictures
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
Exercise 2
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
Political Cartoons
Returning Warrior Flag, Ft. Knox, KY
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Eric, and his partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a feltching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our Gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon!" my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the Gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Eric suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract."
Top ten scariest things about this story:
1. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." OUCH!!!
2. "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars and stare at the sun.
3. That poor gerbil being shot out that guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel from Rocky and Bullwinkle.
4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of somebody's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey.
5. People like this, walking around the street!
6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room.
Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and using a charcoal lighter on me before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well it's like this, Doc. See, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
7. First and second degree burns to the anus? Wouldn't this make hemorrhoids a welcome relief? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top ten of horrible scents on the face of this earth.
8. People named Kiki, which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
10. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?
Poetry
by Rachel
Light sneaks under my lids at six o'clock summer mornings,
Air circulates around the room and for a moment
Before the urgency pushes me to get up to begin anew.
I feel the perfect peace of living alone with a cat.
Do women with young children ever have this moment?
Do those who work to climb ladders of promised success?
I am thankful I never figured out how to make a
Pot brew coffee ten minutes before I wake.
I am thankful I did not need to marry that man a
Year after Dennis died for companionship and raising.
I am thankful there is clean water here, a ready
Shower, toilet and an air conditioner that cools.
I am thankful that when I am ready to leave this place
There is an old truck standing ready near the door.
August 8, 2010
Pictures
Leaving on a Jet Plane
Segway in San Francisco
All content is submitted by readers. I have no idea where they stole it from unless it is copywrite market. All poems written by me are original from me.
Fall will start on the calendar Wednesday this week. Temperatures are predicted to be 90 or more every day until next week end, at least. So, although temps in the second half of September are seldom more than 80, this year the heat continues.
Poll worker training is this week. The general election is the first Tuesday in November and as I am working the polls again, training is required!
If you are not registered to vote, get registered. No matter your politics you are not being included if you don't vote. It is the one free thing you can do to respect your privaledge of citizenship. In our county [Jefferson County Kentucky] they still need poll workers. You can get in on a training class. Most employers will give you a day off to work at the polls and you get paid for that work.
I am always looking for funny jokes and interesting pictures. Feel free to send me those two things to RachelNewsWoman@aol.com.
Thanks for reading. Comments are encouraged!
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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