Diary of a Cruise
Dear Diary:
DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.
DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DAY 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DAY 6 Today, I saved 1600 lives, twice.
Two workers meet one day in the cafeteria at work. One says to the other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died over the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers', and I want to know who it was."
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one. "This is for the shame", and then the second one "This is for the glory." She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one "This is for the shame" and then the second one "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
A man went to the tattoo parlor and had the words "yes" and "no" tattooed on his penis. When he got home that night, he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and its new tattoo. "What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.
Deliberately she said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry... and now you're going to put words in my mouth?"
Job Application
A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."
"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
*You ski uphill.
*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
*You sleep with your eyes open.
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
*You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
*You lick your coffeepot clean.
*You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
*You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
*Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
*You don't sweat, you percolate.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*Starbucks own the mortgage on your house.
*You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
*People can test their batteries in your ears.
*Instant coffee takes too long.
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can't even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
*You speed walk in your sleep.
*You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
*You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
*You chew on other people's fingernails.
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
*You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his overly cautious, slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help," he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to use this to cover it up," he told her as he tossed the shoe.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies.
"Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"
"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.
The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"
"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-64, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."'
"'Have a good day, sir,"' replied the trooper.
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd hire teachers, give scholarships to all high school graduates to either college or a technical school of their choice.
Her parents proudly beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her.
"But you can't do that. How will you pay for such a thing?" I asked.
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why don't we fire all the lobbyists, political contributions from corporations or corporate lobby groups, take away tax cuts away from people making over $250,000 a year and making them pay at the same rate as a family making $85,000. There would be plenty of money to educate everyone and make this country a real first rate place."
I said, "You can't do that. No one would vote for your second term!"
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Cartoons & Pictures
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Political Cartoons
Whites vs Latinos in Arizona
A Rare Disease
Old John Jones was very old and suffering from a rare disease and his doctor told him could drink only human milk.
"How can I get human milk?" John asked the doctor.
"Well, Ruby Frank's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."
So every day John went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark eyed beauty, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as John lapped at her ripe breasts. One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, "Tell me Mr. Jones do you like it?"
"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.
"Is there," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?"
"As a matter of fact there is," murmured John.
"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.
John licked his lips. "Maybe a little cookie?"
Poetry
by Rachel
Hi from Paris!
Airport gives 10 minutes of wi fi
Plane for Atlanta scheduled
Thirty minutes late
Should be ok to make
Connection home.
Cloudy here
Maybe rain?
August 7, 2010
Pictures
2010 Kentucky State Fair Favorite Cake [not mine!]
Why buttercup yellow? In a phone interview with Leni Schwendinger, a Brooklyn-based design and lighting consultant, she said the inspiration for choosing the color was “about celebrating the color of bourbon,” as reflected in the nearby Whiskey Row restaurant and housing development along Main Street, as well as “the liquid gold of a sunset and sunrise.” She went on to say the trend is to make infrastructure more friendly and welcoming! I was surprised it took someone from Brooklyn to make this connection.
All this painting and spiffing up of the general area downtown on the river is in advance of the new KFC YUM Center opening in October.
It was also announced this week, after the arena has been built and the final touches are being made, that there should be no problem with parking at all. As long as all the people who work in all the office towers near the arena "clear the hell out" after work. No lolly gagging now. No stopping at the entertainment district bars and clubs for an after work drink! Get the heck out of there and go home!
It's a miracle our building a fabulous $100 million plus sports arena on the banks of the Ohio River in Louisville, tucked right beside the Clark Memorial Bridge so close you can practically touch the building while riding to work, and getting it built and finished on time.. After all, the last bridge that got painted here took over a decade and cost 400% more than originally estimated.
The Kennedy Bridge, another span between Louisville Kentucky and Clarksville Indiana and within sight of the older Clark Memorial Bridge, was painted recently. The painting began in the last century and was finished in 2008. The original cost to paint it was $14 million and the final cost was $57 million. It seems there were a few unforeseen problems. Problems like a bridge inspector soliciting bribes from contractors, several sets of contractors who accepted the work and found out it was just too much for them, as well as arguments about the color. A local well placed and respected colorist said a nice dark green with brown accents. Considering how much the paint job cost, green would have been appropriate. There were arguments about that being too dark and too distinctive when the paint inevitably flaked.
The Kennedy Bridge got painted a nice beige. On stormy days it sort of melds into the color of he river.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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