"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???
On A Date
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on
the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!"
One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied "Do you suck?"
Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her on the 9th floor.
"Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!" The man asked "Do you fuck?"
Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I don't fuck!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I fuck!"
"Slut..." the man said....and dropped her.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry, I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's really odd," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. Other Women
A guy is sitting at the bar drinking to drown his sorrows. A beautiful woman sits down next to him, orders a double, and sighs deeply. He turns to her and asks her, "So what's wrong in your life?"
She hardly glances at him and says, "My husband left me today."
He says, "What a coincidence. My wife left me today and took my dog with her."
They keep drinking for a few minutes and then he asks her, "So why did he leave you?"
She looks at him and says, "He said he couldn't stand living with me anymore."
He says, "What a coincidence! My wife said she couldn't stand living with me anymore, too." They drink some more and then he asks her, "So what couldn't he stand about living with you?"
She smiles at him a little and says, "Well, I like really kinky sex and he didn't, so he left."
The guy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "This is incredible! I like really kinky sex and that's why my wife left."
They drink some more, exchanging sidelong glances, and he finally says, "Well, seeing as we're both alone now, and seeing as we both have similar interests..."
"Yes," she quickly says, "my apartment is right around the corner." So they head over to her apartment. Once inside, she says, "I'm going to slip into something a little more comfortable. I'll be right back." She goes into her bedroom and gets undressed, then puts on a studded leather collar, black lace crotchless panties, a leather bustier, fishnet stockings and spike heels, the whole setup. She comes out of the bedroom to find the guy heading out the door. "Why are you leaving?" she asks him, "You just got here. I thought we were going to have some kinky sex."
He looks at her and shrugs, "Hey, I screwed your dog. I'm done."
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
1: Don't call, ever.
2: If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3: Lie.
4: Name your penis.
5. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
6: Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
7. Play with yourself.
8. Talk about it.
9: Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10: Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11: Lie
12: Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13: Never ask for help. You really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14: Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15: Vanity is important trait for a man. When you pass a reflective surface, check youself out.
16: If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17: If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18: TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19: Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20: One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21: Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22: Say things like "Wha...?"
23: Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24: Lie.
25: Deny everything. Everything.
26: Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me.
27: If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28: Don't have a clue.
29: If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30: No means yes.
31: Yes means no.
32: If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33: If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34: Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35: Feelings? What feelings?
36: Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37: Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38: Lie I tell you!!
39: DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40: Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41: At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42: Lie.
43: "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44: A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45: Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46: Lie.
47: ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48: If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49: Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girl friend's b-day and eye color.
50: Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
Cartoons & Pictures
An Antique Shop Owner
Amber walked into an antique shop and noticed a beautiful set of glasses. However, they cost $25 more than she could afford. So, she asked the owner if he was prepared to give her a discount.
The owner said she could have the glasses for free if she was prepared to suck half of his dick. Amber declined, and stormed out of the shop. After thinking about the beautiful glasses, she returned an hour later, and agreed to take him up on his offer.
He unzipped his pants and Amber began sucking the head of his dick.
"Half a dick, right?" said Amber.
"Yeah," he replied, suddenly revealing the full length of his massive tool.
Amber yelled: "Hold on, you said half!"
He replied: "That's right, but I didn't say which fucking half!"
She bit him and left with the glasses.
Never try to renegotiate the deal with you dick in her mouth.
Political Cartoons
Bear Hunting
Elkins is out hunting and sees a bear. He shoots, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there's no bear. There's a tap on his shoulder, he turns around, and it's the bear.
The bear says, "Did you just shoot at me?"
Elkins says, "Yeah."
The bear points at his dick and says, "Suck my cock."
What can he do, it's a bear. So he sucks the bear's cock.
Elkins goes to the gun shop and buys a double-barrel shotgun. He goes into the woods, sees the bear, fires both barrels, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there's no bear. There's a tap on his shoulder, and it's the bear.
The bear says, "Did you just shoot at me twice with a double barrel shotgun?"
Elkins says, "Yeah."
The bear says, "Pull down your pants and bend over that log."
What can he do, it's a bear. He pulls down his pants, bends over the log, and the bear fucks him in the ass. And it takes a long time because the bear just had sex the day before.
The next day Elkins goes to the gun shop and buys an elephant gun. He goes into the forest, spots the bear, empties the gun into it, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there's no bear. There's a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and the bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"
[Bears don't talk. I figure it's a guy in a bear suit wearing Kelvar.]
Poetry
by Rachel
After he left,
Lying there, almost asleep but not really
Down to that REM sought for real rest,
Wetness has moistened the sheet, a
Sheen of sweat dries on the body,
A breath is finally caught and though
A conversation had started with the
Last shout and pant, I can’t remember
What was said by he or me, remains.
After he left,
There was in the room a smell of sex, that
lingering scent you don’t usually notice
Unless you’re an uninvolved party
Coming into the recently vacated space.
That makes me wonder how the hotel
Maid reacts gathering the soiled linen,
Wet towels from the floor after the guests
Walked out, passing her in the hall.
September 6, 2006
A Picture
It was surprising to learn that Dismas Charities, Inc., a non-profit halfway rehabilitation house corporation was one of those renting suites; one at the football stadium and one at the basketball arena. The cost was something over $137,000 to rent the boxes for a year.
Ray Weis, the CEO who by the way is paid an annual salary of over $600,000 to manage the corporation which operates 27 halfway houses under contract to the Federal and State Governments in 12 states. The Executive Vice President, Jan Kempf received over $450,000 in annual salary. These salary amounts are for the year 2008.
As you can imagine the Letters to the Editor are running strongly against Dismas Charities. Mr. Weis announced the monies for the suite rent came from investment income. The investment money came from the sale of real estate in Atlanta. I've not seen a report of where the money for the real estate came from but knowing the Courier Journal investigative reporters, we'll soon learn.
A further dicey bit of information was dug up by a member of the Metro Council. It seems last August four members of the council chipped in funds from their discretionary budgets and granted Dismas $2800 to purchase a lawn mower. This mower is used by former prison inmates to mow the grass growing in abandoned cemeteries in the county. Dismas is being paid to do this work by local government.
Dismas House Headquarters, Louisville, KY
Back in 1964 when the nonprofit 501(c/r) was established I'm sure the intent was admirable and the good work of helping prisoners gain a place in society again is good work. Somewhere, probably about the time executives of Dismas began being paid like top corporate executives began believing it was a good use of funds to rent luxury sports boxes.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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