Routine Physical
When Dan came in for the results of his routine physical, the doctor said gently, "Dan, you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Okay," said Dan, taking a seat, "give me the bad news first."
"Well," said the doctor, "you've only got three weeks to live."
"Jesus!, gasped Dan, wiping the sweat from his brow. "What the hell's the good news?"
"You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?"
"You Bet!" answered Dan
"The one with the body that won't quit?"
"Right"
"And the blond hair and baby blue eyes--"
Yeah, yeah" interrupted Doug, "What's the good news?"
Leaning forward, the doctor whispered with a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!"
Marvin had been fishing all day without any luck. On the way home he stopped at a fish market and said to the clerk, "Please stand there and throw me a few of your biggest trout."
The clerk was puzzled. "Throw them to you? Why?"
"I may be a poor fisherman," Marvin replied, "but I'm no liar. I want to be able to say I caught them myself."
Doggy
A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains."Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.
"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."
"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere.
A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc.
A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and said: "Scottish"
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said: "Irish"
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow"
Again the second replied in a very frail voice: "Dublin"
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy"
Replied the other: "Paddy"
A few hours later, Paddy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer"
Jimmy responded: "Sagittarius"
Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
* You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
* You write to your sister in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
* Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
* Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
* You collect dead windowsill flies.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
* Melba toast excites you.
* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you
* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
* You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberr
* You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindu.
* You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
* The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
* You like reading lists like this.
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Redskins season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pay s the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs; and when I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
Oliver Twist
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the land lady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother."
An man was married woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
Cartoons & Pictures
10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese Hooker.
1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.
Political Humor
The Trained Alligator
A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.
The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment"
The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "Open"
The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.
He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "Close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. Does anyone else want to try it?"
After looking around he finally hears a drunk say, "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."
Poetry
by Rachel
Astrological signs and the rinds
From the cantaloupe Friday, are
Together in the plastic covered trash.
Tossing it over the rail into the tub of
Things that will end up in the dumpster Thursday,
I feel empty yet content with the
Company of a beautiful cat and this
Book that needs finishing tonight.
I've had two big cups of coffee today
With very little cream, as I just know
The reason I don't loose one and a half
Pounds a week, has to do with drinking
My usual cup with the fresh cream I like.
So I make a change, again.
August 7, 2010
Pictures
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
In 2000 a nine year old child came to our city. He was part of a group of children from Sudan sponsored by a Lutheran church. These kids had a terrible existence in Sudan and were known as The Lost Boys. He got an education, began working and going to a community college. As time passed he became an American citizen and got his degree from WKU. He got work with a local bank and reconnected with his mother and sister, still back in Sudan. In 2006 he went back and was introduced to his sister's friend. In 2008 he and she married. She stayed to work on her eventual immigration. He came back to Louisville.
Since then they have been apart. It's expensive to pay the fees to get the paperwork done, as well as the airfare and additional fees required by the Sudanese government.
She had a baby girl he has never met or held. He still works at the bank and has a second job, sending money back to support his mother and sister, as well as his wife and baby. Last year he spoke to a Rabbi here in town. The cleric was moved by the fact that this man and his family were apart. He asked the congregation at his synagogue what they thought should be done. They raised the money to pay for the plane and the fees. Yesterday afternoon he met his child at the local airport for the first time.
Members of the synagogue were there as was the rabbi and several local television cameras.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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