A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, darling," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, and then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for
those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?''
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
''What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Republican," said the woman, "and every night for he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how awful every other man was and how good it was going to be, but nothing got done."
What is the opposite of laughing?"
The answer is, "Sex!"
Laughing is 'Ha, ha, ha.' Sex is 'Ah, ah, ah."
During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.
* A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
* Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
* We can open all our own jars
* Phone conversations last 30 seconds
* We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
* Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight
* When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
* Our last name stays put.
* We can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
* We can kill our own food.
* The garage is all ours.
* We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* We see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
* We never have to clean the toilet.
* We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
* If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
* Our underwear costs $6.50 for a pack of 3.
* None of our co-workers have the power to make us cry.
* We don't have to shave below our neck.
* If we're 34 and single, no one notices.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* Where and when we pee doesn't effect our emotional well-being.
* We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
* Flowers & duct tape - and we can fix everything.
* We never have to worry about other's feelings.
* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
* We can say anything and not worry about what people think.
* We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.
* Car mechanics tell us the truth.
* We don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice our new haircut.
* We can watch a game in silence for hours without our buddy thinking, he must be mad at me.
* One mood, all the time.
* We can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve ourselves to look like him.
* Same work. More pay.
* Gray hair and wrinkles add character
* We don't care if someone is talking behind our back.
* We don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.
* If we retain water, it is in a canteen.
* The remote is all ours.
* We need not pretend we're "freshening up" to use the bathroom.
* We can go to the bathroom alone.
* If we don't call our buddy when we said we would, he won't tell our friends I've changed.
* If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we might become lifelong buddies.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* If something mechanical didn't work, we can bash it with a hammer & throw it across the room.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
* We think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.
He said, `Just give me two gotchas'."
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, `You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out `Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "You tr y swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second `gotcha'!"
Cartoons & Pictures
After the boy's birthday, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her teenage son of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknow-ledgments of the generous check she had given.
The next year things were different, however. "My grandson came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused his change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the check."
Political Cartoons
Exploring Their Perversions
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts.
After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence, my wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to either house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.
The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come.
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down. Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened. "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just peed in your purse!"
Poetry
by Rachel
Corn, growing tall with tassels abundant and green.
We grew corn on the farm to feed cattle silage
When the pasture was dry and dead in winter.
White corn was for the table, so the garden
Had that but robust yellow silk flew far and
Ears of white got toothy yellow marauders.
Central Indiana is covered with fields of corn
Encasing a highway where with the windows
Down I breathe familiar scent of summer time.
The road is smooth and black from a recent
Repave and my mind daydreams to see the
Breaks in the corn for soybeans and back again.
Green seen in high and low crops, as regular as
Marching soldiers in an old film, and reveal patterns
I could see from the sky if I could only fly!!
August 5, 2010
A Picture
A lot of drama has been reported surrounding the flight attendant who could not take anymore of his job at JetBlue. He gave reasons for his actions. Others gave reasons for the passenger being upset. Today it was reported he wants his job back.
Talking to a new medical assistant at my doctor's today, he spoke of the incident. I agreed with him that it was remarkable the flight attendant had gotten so upset he stole a beer and slid away. I told him it was my experience working for the general public was very hard work. He said he once worked at a fast food place and a customer spit at him because he was making change while trying to take an order and show a new employee how to do the job. He said at that moment he decided he wasn't going to work for the general public anymore. He went to school and was trained to work in a doctor's office. He currently is working towards an RN part time. I pointed out that he was still working for the public. He agreed but said, "Here the patient is aware that he needs the doctor and the staff as much as we need the job."
I hope he gets his degree and has a successful career. RN's are in demand.
When the economy is so shaky that 10% of the country who wants to work cannot find a job, employees stay in jobs they hate. This is the true definition of a wage slave. We as customers need to remember this when buying things. Whether the flight attendant gets his job back or not, he will find work, probably as a manager of some kind. Some of the unsatisfied workers need to start businesses though because that is the key to an expanding economy and work force.
Rachel
Amazing Picture
SMILE
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