Two Friends Are Talking in a Bar
One says to the other, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they had intercourse with a woman?"To which his friend asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Well, he says "The other 40% must first drive home first."
To spice up her dead sex-life she buys a new pair of panties. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs, enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot.
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign that read, "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour, she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"I won First Place !," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign. It says, "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place, too," answers Superman.. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign that says, "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour, he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Mitch McConnell?" asked Pinocchio.
Efficiency
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Tea Partier's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Tea Partier's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Republicans we would have to kill to get an ounce?"
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Little-Known Chocolate Tidbits
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and eat less.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Never take a beer to a job interview
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.
Pictures & Cartoons
Liar's Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to three of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your lover and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 1525 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth able to stand him.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died and the next day he received a swim suit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a hot waitress and a super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! (Please!). One man broke the chain, and got his own lover back again. Damn the luck.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below:
Mr. John Edwards
Mr. John Sanford
Sen. John Ensign
Political Cartoons
With breathless anticipation the crows awaits the unveiling of the George W. Bush statue
Addicted To Coffee!
You know you are addicted to coffee ifYou grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You know you are addicted to coffee ifYou grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
Picture
Poem
by Rachel
You sent a picture of you
Standing on the floor of an
Ancient amphitheater; stones
All around and the circular seats
Were open to the air on that
Mountain above the Galilee.
What plays were acted there?
What oratory by learned men?
It is impossible to know but
The day this picture was made
You stood on those stones and
Spoke a soliloquy to the warm air.
July 3, 2010
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
Ancient amphitheater; stones
All around and the circular seats
Were open to the air on that
Mountain above the Galilee.
What plays were acted there?
What oratory by learned men?
It is impossible to know but
The day this picture was made
You stood on those stones and
Spoke a soliloquy to the warm air.
July 3, 2010
Today on "This American Life" the producers of the show chose nine counties in Georgia and divided them amongst their reporters and staff. The reporter visited their assigned county and went into café's, stores or the courthouse and asked a random person, "Who is the most interesting person you know in town?" Sometimes they would have to go to several people because when they got to the one someone recommended, they would suggest another more interesting person! The idea was based on a Charles Salter's newspaper column in the Atlanta Journal in the 1970's entitled "Georgia Rambler."
If you'd like to hear Saturday's "This American Life" go to iTunes and download the podcast for your iPod.
I sometimes type up stories people tell me. I'm not disciplined with this. Usually it will be a couple of paragraphs I put in my journal. Meeting a lot of different people I cannot remember names, but years later if they mention something about their life, I can bring that story up and immediately we're. I'll think, "Oh this is that guy who had the 1965 Mustang and his ex-wife painted it purple one day when she caught him messing with her sister!
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It started raining again lastnight after dark. All day the temperature was below 90 degrees and humidity was only 50. This week we got strong rain every day but Friday. Usually overnight and I'd wake up at the sound. Nice to go back to sleep listening to rain.
Next week it is predicted to be almost a repeat of this past week; 90+ days and hard rains.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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