Men
Repeat the Question
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
Accurate Description
A man and his wife moved from Conroe, TX to Pikeville,. KY. The husband had a wooden leg and to insure it back in Texas it cost them $2000. Per year! When they arrived in Pikeville they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Pikeville to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas.
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39. You just have to know how to describe it!'
The Parrot
A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"
"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station."
The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck no ride."
She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly."
So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder.
The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck no ride!"
The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!"
About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck no ride!"
So, the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens!
A few miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer.
"What's the problem officer. I wasn't speeding was I?"
The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, No fuck no ride! No fuck no ride!"
Her First Job
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee, lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building a new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "Will you be working on the house again this week?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock."
Dumb Kid!
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest
kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Blind Date
I had a terrible marriage. My husband was a lawyer and screwed everybody but me! My friend set me up on a blind date after my first divorce. Well, she was a friend at the time.
He was cool. He said, "We can eat at Hardees; eight pieces of chicken and four biscuits for $8.99." He was a husky boy (you know, Sears catalog).
When we got to Hardees he was moving! I only got two wings out of everything! He wouldn't even butter his biscuits. He would pop a biscuit and then do a butter chaser! I couldn't watch him eat the chicken. He kept getting crumbs in his boobs [yes he had man boobs]. He would have gotten it all if his teeth were in!
Don't get me wrong. I still did him!
Thor Again
Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have sex."
Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."
And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times."
"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor."
"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"
From 20 to 30 if a man live right it's once in the morning and twice at night.
From 30 to 40 if he still lives right he missing a morning and sometimes a night.
From 40 to 50 it's regular and not around the bend.
From 50 to 60 it's at least weekly not heavens knows when.
From 60 to 70 he's slightly declined but don't let him kid you it's STILL on his mind!
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
Accurate Description
A man and his wife moved from Conroe, TX to Pikeville,. KY. The husband had a wooden leg and to insure it back in Texas it cost them $2000. Per year! When they arrived in Pikeville they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Pikeville to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas.
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39. You just have to know how to describe it!'
The Parrot
A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"
"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station."
The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck no ride."
She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly."
So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder.
The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck no ride!"
The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!"
About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck no ride!"
So, the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens!
A few miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer.
"What's the problem officer. I wasn't speeding was I?"
The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, No fuck no ride! No fuck no ride!"
Her First Job
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee, lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building a new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "Will you be working on the house again this week?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock."
Dumb Kid!
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest
kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Pictures & Cartoons
I had a terrible marriage. My husband was a lawyer and screwed everybody but me! My friend set me up on a blind date after my first divorce. Well, she was a friend at the time.
Anyway, I called him up and said, "I can't take you anywhere really expensive because I'm paying lawyers for a divorce right now."
When we got to Hardees he was moving! I only got two wings out of everything! He wouldn't even butter his biscuits. He would pop a biscuit and then do a butter chaser! I couldn't watch him eat the chicken. He kept getting crumbs in his boobs [yes he had man boobs]. He would have gotten it all if his teeth were in!
Don't get me wrong. I still did him!
Political Cartoons Etc.
Thor Again
Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have sex."
Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to your manly pleasures."
And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times."
"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor."
"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"
Poem
by Rachel
I would rather know a smart man
Than a dumb man.
I would rather know a kind man,
Than a smart man.
I would rather know a smart man,
Than a clean man.
I would rather know a clean man,
Than a dirty man.
I would rather know a dirty man,
Than a man without imagination.
May 8, 2010
A Picture
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
For years my habit most days has been to watch parts of the morning network news shows and go out to run errands or walk. I've noticed most morning news is interviews and comments on the latest addict star or a solemn family's interview about their missing child. That kind of thing wears on me. Then I found they were running re-runs of "West Wing" for two hours.
When the show was running in prime time I would watch it and think, "Why can't our president be like Jed Bartlett? This was in the time of GW.
I know, it's a TV show. The writers and producers are in control of what happens; unlike real life where nothing can be controlled by a handful of people. But, to have a president who thinks about what he proposes and how it will affect the people. To be willing to give it all up to do the right thing for the people To have a group of people who are on his and the country's side, willing to do what needs to be done without thinking of the next job. It's a dream.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. by Margaret Mead
From the lack of comment, I wonder, is anyone reading this thing?
SMILE
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