This lady called to make reservations on a small charter plane. She knew she would be flying in a very small plane, so she wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."
Then he asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?"
Not thinking clearly, she answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
Sharing
Mary: So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the party last weekend.
Rachel: What happened?
Mary: Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, "Do you want to taste it?"
Rachel: Ohmigod! What did you do?
Mary: Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you go ahead. You don't have enough to share."
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, middle age saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7.You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out hear! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.
1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.
Becky was lying on her death bed in the hospital when her husband came to visit her. Becky said to her husband, "You know Roy we have been married for over fifty years and we never had oral sex. Before I die I want you to try it on me.
Roy agreed, pulls the curtain closed around the bed and proceeded to lick her vagina.
Roy visited his wife the next day and found his wife sitting in a chair, all made up and ready to go home. The doctors told Roy that a miracle had happened to his wife which was unexplainable. Roy smirked and then went into a depression.
His wife said to Roy "What's wrong with you.
Roy replied, if I knew today what I learned yesterday I could have saved my Mother, sister and my aunt Sadie.
Blowjob on the Stoop
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
Him: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Her: "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says. "Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob.
Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his fucking hand off the intercom!
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap?.
That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' That's when the fight started.
Pictures & Cartoons
He's Thor
Thor, the Norse god of thunder, decided that he needed some female company. He soon met a beautiful woman and they snuck away for some lovemaking.After many hours, he felt it was time to tell the woman that he was more than just a mortal man.
He decided to tell her his name.
"You're Thor?" she replied. "I'm tho thor I can barely sit down."
Poltical Pictures
One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"
He replies to her, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
Bob's wife said, "That's terrible!"
Very sadly he replies, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie."
Poetry
by Rachel
Lying naked after fucking, my mind is blank,
As it never is otherwise and you beside me
Breathing fast from your exertion as I had
Unnecessarily commanded you to fuck me!
Sweat covers us and no matter how low
I have set the air conditioner to cool or
How fast the ceiling fans are turning,
We must lie here for a long time to dry.
You get up and shower, pulling on your
Clothes again and leaving me to rest.
Your final words in leaving are always
"I love you sweetheart," Good-bye. Later.
In the afternoon I lie down, read and
As I often do, sleep lightly, but today
I am deep enough under that I dream and
I dream of cold firm green crisp celery.
I am eating it, fresh, full of water, with fiber
Strings as celery has. I pull them off each stalk.
By the time all are pulled away and discarded
The dream and most of the celery is gone.
June 19, 2010
Very sadly he replies, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie."
A Picture
A hill in the west
Masaeda
Butterfly and thistle.
Later it was pouring when I left work.
This morning it was a gentle steady rain. This went on for several hours.
When I went out for lunch it was no longer raining. The grass seemed greener. Flowers were standing up straighter. The best part was it was fifteen degrees cooler!
The month of June was the hottest average temperature since 1952 in Louisville. I wake up in the morning cool, having slept under a ceiling fan all night, but moving around even a little means I sweat and am sticky. It has become my habit to immediately get in the shower. I don't wait for the water to warm up; just a cold shower and eventually a warm one. I stay downstairs until after lunch, so the AC isn't needed so much.
Now July has started hot. This week it was 97 three days in a row. With the rain it will be cool until Sunday. Forward predictions say 90's through the month of July.
I've been daydreaming about rain and warm summer showers; how it would be so wonderful to invite friends for hedonistic romps in the rain. I don't have a place for this, but I imagine a green pasture. There would be rolling Indiana hills and uncut fescue gone to seed. The seed heads would reach to my waist and tickle my skin, the stalks separating my barefoot toes. Take note, I have never done this kind of thing when I lived on the farm and there were lots of pastures.
There is a barn in a meadow near a creek on that farm, with bales of hay stacked waiting for winter feeding. Do any of you remember the novels or movies where a woman and a man meet somewhere and get caught in the rain? They run for the barn and when safe in the dry they just have to take off their wet clothing for fear of a cold and lay it out to dry. This story is often repeated with an old farm house instead of the barn and a fireplace and blanket!
Of course this ends up with them having sex. They have never noticed each other until the day they get wet in the rain. They've lived just down the road from each other all their lives or she is the new girl in town but never saw that they really love each other until they got rained on! The rain is like a love potion.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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