Question
A blonde calls the Delta Airlines and asks, "can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York city"?
The agent replies, Just a minute…
"Thank you" the blonde says, and hangs up.
New Clothes
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off bicycles for about a week."
There are four blokes in a prison cell together: a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophelic and a gay guy.
The zoophile sighs and says, "You know, if there was a cat here I'd f#*k it `till I pass out."
The sadist nods, and sighs, "And once you were done with it, I'd torture it until it died."
The necrophelic leans in and agrees, "Oh yeah, and once it was dead I'd f#*k it `till I passed out too."
The gay guy, sitting in the corner, very softly says "meow".
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles. "I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. ''I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business. In response the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."
Jill meets Nadine for lunch.. "You're looking very tired today, Nadine. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Nadine, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow," says Jill, "so what were the choices he gave you, Nadine?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could make my boyfriend a better lover."
"So tell me already, Nadine, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Nadine.
One day a man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When they got back to America the man said "I would like to show you an American pastime."
The woman said, "What is it?"
"Baseball," the man said.
The next day, the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and beat the throw to first base. The third man came up to the plate and he gets walked. The man says, "Are you understanding this game?"
The woman says, "Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first player, and he hits it. then he hurls the ball at the second player, and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing And then the third player, this is the pa rt I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stands there - 4 times - and then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing."
Then the man says, "Well that is because he has four balls."
The woman says "Poor thing, he couldn't run if he tried."
While on a road trip, a couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the man became the classic grouchy man. He fussed and complained, and scolded her relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "Chickens?!"
When Your Internet
Goes Down
1. Dial 911 immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
8. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work.
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
Cartoons & Pictures
Magic Trick
With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?" he breathlessly asks one employee.
The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave. "I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.
"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.
"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!"
Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."
With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick. "Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!" Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."
The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.
"Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"
The man winces and replies, "Yeah."
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."
Political
Ya Might Be A Redneck Addicted To Computers
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.
Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk
Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say "Come OOOOOOON Betsy".
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya give Derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer".
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous"
Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free"
Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
You's in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply "My momma"
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
There is a bad bear lose in Kentucky. Evidently the latest bear census revealed that there are between 250 and 300 bears in the wilds of the state. From all information available all but one of these bears are good bears but one.
Last Sunday a family was hiking the trails near the Red River Gorge Geological Area with dad Tim Scott taking the lead. He saw a bear 25 feet ahead and watched as the bear ducked under a ledge. The bear emerged onto the path and began approaching Scott. He hollered, dropped his belt bag, grabbed a rotted branch and hit the bear, trying to move away. The bear sniffed the bag and followed. Finally the it lunged and nipped him, then let him go as he moved behind a tree for protection. The bear grabbed him and threw him into the woods. Then the it sank its teeth into his thigh and shook.
At some point during this, Mr. Scott snapped several pictures with his cell phone.
Another group of hikers approached and one hit the bear with his back pack. The bear left the area.
Mr. Scott was taken to a hospital and 50 stitches closed his wounds. He went home to recuperate.
Thursday was the fourth day that the area has been closed to humans. I'm not sure who is doing the hunting but a bear was sighted yesterday. Officials are not sure it's the same bear but they are confident the bad bear has not left the area.
The bear is described as an Appalachian Black Bear. The Red River Gorge Geological Area is in the Daniel Boone National Forrest. The area was opened on Friday though not storing food in bear proof containers is now against the rules.
SMILE
Rachel
You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
Poetry
by Rachel
July 3rd
When I first heard the soft pops of
Firecrackers and the alarmed twittering
Of birds along the eves of the house,
I questioned the sound, then
recalled. It is July 3rd and
My distant neighbors are lighting explosives!
A story in the morning paper recounted a
Woman in a perfectly nice neighborhood had
Gone out her front door for the paper last week
Found a bullet hole in her front step. She said
Someone shot a gun into the air and she was
Glad not there when and where it landed.
I would wager with anyone that tomorrow and
Maybe even Monday, lots of guns will be discharged.
July 3, 2010
Pictures
Paris @ sunset
Islands
Phone Storage, Paraguay @ World Cup
A window at the Sorbonne
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
Last Sunday a family was hiking the trails near the Red River Gorge Geological Area with dad Tim Scott taking the lead. He saw a bear 25 feet ahead and watched as the bear ducked under a ledge. The bear emerged onto the path and began approaching Scott. He hollered, dropped his belt bag, grabbed a rotted branch and hit the bear, trying to move away. The bear sniffed the bag and followed. Finally the it lunged and nipped him, then let him go as he moved behind a tree for protection. The bear grabbed him and threw him into the woods. Then the it sank its teeth into his thigh and shook.
I was chomped on by a bear, and he was a bad bear, but that doesn't speak of all bears," Tim Scott 56, of Lexington said.
At some point during this, Mr. Scott snapped several pictures with his cell phone. Mr. Scott was taken to a hospital and 50 stitches closed his wounds. He went home to recuperate.
Thursday was the fourth day that the area has been closed to humans. I'm not sure who is doing the hunting but a bear was sighted yesterday. Officials are not sure it's the same bear but they are confident the bad bear has not left the area.
The bear is described as an Appalachian Black Bear. The Red River Gorge Geological Area is in the Daniel Boone National Forrest. The area was opened on Friday though not storing food in bear proof containers is now against the rules.
SMILE
Rachel
Wildlife Division Director Karen Waldrop said the agency's policy is to kill any bear that behaves aggressively toward humans, and officials have closed the popular scenic area and set traps to try to capture the animal.
Amazing Picture
No comments:
Post a Comment