Rachel's Newsletter

Niave Young Woman
A naive young woman goes into the doctor's office. She says, "Doc, I'm getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions."

He says, "All right."

She says, "All right...what is that thing that hangs between my fiancé's legs?"

The doctor says, "That's the penis. The male organ, the penis."

She says, "Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?"

The doctor says, "That's the glans. The head of the penis, the glans."

She says, "Okay. And what are those two round things, about twelve inches behind the head?"

The doctor says, "Well, lady, I don't know about your fiancé, but on me, they're the cheeks of my ass."

The Window Job
The local preacher is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.

The preacher is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 bucks" comes the reply.

"50 bucks?" says the preacher, startled.

"Yep, fifty bucks or I tell the whole congregation about what I saw, you perv."

So the preacher hands over the cash and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the mayor's round for his supper and is having a wander round the preacher's house admiring his lovely home.

He says to the preacher, "Lovely clean windows you've got there preacher, who does them for you?"

"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the preacher.

"Oh yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"

"Well," replies the preacher, "fifty bucks, actually"

"Fifty bucks? Blimey!" says the mayor. "He must have seen you coming."

Rich Kids
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said, "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"

The other answered, "Yeah! It's probably because they have all those toys to play with!"

Morning Sickness
Penny dropped in on her neighbor and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room. "What's wrong?" she asked. The neighbor told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant again!"

"I'm not," the harried young woman replied, "I'm just sick of mornings."

Job Requirement
In a small town in the Midwest, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous or what?!"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to *obeying* orders, are accustomed to being *shoved* around, know how to keep their mouths *shut* and don't get mad when I *yell* at them!!"

A Question of Sex
A man walked up to a farmer's house and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"

Naughty Little Johnny
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.

Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes".

She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.

His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them out.

Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied "my ears are cold too!"

The Choice
Three Evangelical preachers go to Africa to do missionary work. They are captured by an tribe and accused of insulting and offending the religion of the tribe. The king of the tribe says, "Even if you have committed a crime, you are preachers. Therefore I will offer you a choice in punishment, ooga booga or death?"

The first preacher thinks, "I don't know what ooga booga is, but anything is better than death." So he says, "I choose ooga booga."

The King yells out, "OOGA BOOGA!"

Ten tribesmen rip off their loin cloths and screw the preacher in the ass one after another.

The second preacher sees all this and thinks to himself, "This is really bad, however, it's still better than the death". So he chooses ooga booga. The King yells out, "OOGA BOOGA".

Ten more tribesmen rip off their loin cloths and screw the second preacher in the ass one after another.

The third preacher thinks to himself, "I will not let that happen to me. I prefer death to such degradation." He says to the King, "I choose death!"

"Very well," says the King, "DEATH!!!.... by OOGA BOOGA!!!"

No Explanation
A farmer is sitting in the local slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" The man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.

"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

Cartoons & Pictures

50 Year Anniversary
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they ha d finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

Political Cartoons, etc.

Bob's Addiction
Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and sti/ck it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you will not dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I will try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I do not smoke cigars anymore, but now I cannot go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."

Poetry

by Rachel

Summer solstice passed and days are

Illuminated in heat and light longer than

Imagined in February, with cold creeping

Around doors to freeze our bones.

A month passed before dependable

Warmth sank deep enough in the body to

Melt the flesh and release a liquid smile.

He walked through a door toward the heat of home.

Virulent green covers the earth here and

Fertile soil nurtures growing things in the rain.

Drawing in I am quiet and unleashed from a

Routine, tethered by iridescent web taut yet strong.

July 20, 2010

Pictures

St Louis Cathedral, New Orleans LA

All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .