As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects. She pointed to the dining room and said with great satisfaction, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."
"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."
To keep their active two-year-old from roaming onto the busy street in front of their home, my sister and brother-in-law decided to put a gate across the driveway.
After working over two weekends on the project, Robert was ready to attach the lock to complete the job. He was working on the yard-side of the gate, with his daughter nearby, when he dropped the screwdriver he was using, and it rolled under the gate, out of his reach.
"I'll get it, Daddy," Laura called, nimbly crawling under the newly-erected barrier. Then she retrieved the screwdriver, returned, crawling under the barrier again, and said, "Here, Daddy!"
A Shocking Development
Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John. He would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?" and then bridle his horse.
One day while going through this routine he said, "Hey there, John." To his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him!
Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying to catch it. Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase. After a while the man became tired and stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came back also now breathless, and sat down beside him.
The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk before!"
"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.
The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."
"Incredible, " said the client. "Who were these kind people?"
"The passengers on the bus."
The College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
The Secret of a Long Marriage
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Maris, who said she was approaching her 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how she had managed to stay married to the same man all these years.
Maris replied to the assembled people, "Wella, I'va tried to treat him nicea, take care of his meals and clothes, but best of all is, weent to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Maria, you are an amazing inspiration to all those here! Please tell us what you are planning for your husband for your 50th anniversary?"
Maria proudly replied, "I gonna go pick him up."
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er... I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
Not Hallmark!
1. I wanted have someone to hold to love. After meeting you (inside card) I changed my mind.
2. I admit, you brought religion into my life (inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am (inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congrats on your promotion. Before you go (inside card) will you take the knife from my back?5. Someday I hope to marry (inside card) someone other than you
6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age (inside card) Almost lifelike!
7. You said you'd die for me (inside card) now I think it's time.8. We've been friends for a very long time (inside card) What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congrats on your new bundle of joy. (inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship with only one life jacket (inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. I doing something really special for your birthday (inside card) so I'm putting you to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Mississippi and West Virginia).
14. Looking back over the years together I wonder (inside card) what was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day! (inside card) too bad no one likes your husband.
16. How could two people as beautiful as you (inside card) have such an ugly baby?
Skipping all Day
An overweight blonde woman went to see her doctor one day, so that she could get some advice about going on a diet. "Okay," said the doctor, "I recommend that you eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks and the next time that you see me you should have lost t least 5 pounds."
"So you followed my instructions then?" asked the doctor.
"Yes," the blonde nodded, "but I can tell you I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day!"
"From the hunger you mean?" asked the doctor, confused.
"No," replied the blonde, "From skipping all day!"
10 Ways You Know You've Had Good Sex
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
Groaner
Walter was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual physical, going over a few fine points about his health with his doctor. The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high, Walter. You need to watch your diet and lose a little weight."
"Oh really how are you doing it?" asked the doctor.
"Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have a snack around 3:00. Just today, I had breakfast at 7:30, waited two hours, had a snack at 9:30 and then I waited an hour and a half and ate lunch at 11:00. Then I waited 45 minutes and had a snack before coming here."
"And with this regiment, you're losing weight?" asked the doctor.
"Yeah," Walter said excitedly. "More meals and less wait!"
What I Have Wanted in a ManOriginal List (age 18):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Has a job and can support himself.
4. A caring listener.
5. Smart
6. In good shape
7. Wears clean clothes and can do his laundry
8. Appreciates me.
9. Enjoys spending time with me.
10. An imaginative, romantic, slow lover
Revised [at age 32]
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Can converse on interesting subjects
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie and suit.
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal and shares cooking duties.
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries,
10. Enjoys sex and can pound me into the mattress.
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers conversation is a two way talk.
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach and matches his pants.
8. Knows not to buy wine with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Likes sex and can pound me into the mattress.
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Takes me out to dinner once a month and pays
9. Shaves most weekends.
10. Likes sex and pounds me in the mattress.
Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Still drives after dark.
10. Remembers what sex is and can fuck me hard.
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
3. Can still drive in the daytime.
4. Enjoys slow sex.
Such a Waste
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation!" said the dejected gent.
"Yeah, so?" replied the barkeep.
"Don't you get it?" the man cried out. "I've already let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
Reality Shock
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child Daniel never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
One More Time
An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning ninety tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"
The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."
Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"
"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've cum three times already."
"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."
"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."
Lost Then FoundThe devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."
No Understanding
Mary and Sue hadn't seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Mary was stunned at how trim and healthy Sue looked. "My God," she said, "What do you do to stay so fit?"
"Well," answered Sue, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."
"Really!" exclaimed Mary, looking her friend up and down. "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"
Rude Retailer
George meets up with a friend on the street, and the friend can tell George is really pissed. He asks him what the matter is.
George replies, "The people at Victoria's Secret are SO rude. There I am in their store and I'm trying to buy some panties for my lady, and I'm picking some out and the manager asks me to leave!! All I was trying to do was decide which ones I liked. So - I took the panties out of my mouth and took my business elsewhere."
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was"pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion. Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Pictures & Cartoons
-Clueless Sex Quiz
The following quiz will reflect your sexual knowledge; or lack thereof, depending on your response. Read each statement carefully; answer each either True or False. Time Limit: four hours.True False
* A clitoris is a type of flower
* A pubic hair is a wild rabbit
* A vulva is an automobile from Sweden
* A fallopian tube is a part of a television
* The term "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird
* It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an electric blanket?
* Copulation is sex between to consenting policeman
* McDonalds "Golden Arches" is a phallus symbol
* A vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble
* A menstrual cycle has three wheels
* Fellatio is an Italian Dagger
* A G-String is a weapon used by G-Men
* Semen is a term for sailors
* Anus is a Greek word denoting a period of time
* Testicles are found on an octopus
* Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages
* Asphalt describes rectal problems
* Kotex is a radio station in Dallas
* Masturbate is something used to catch large fish
* Coitus is a musical instrument
* Fetus is a character in Gunsmoke
* An umbilical cord is a part of a parachute
* A condom is an apartment complex
* A placenta is an Italian penny
* Hemorrhoid is the planet closest to Mars
* "Groin" is the sound a pig makes
* A rectum is what you are for taking this test
* A sphincter is a statue in Egypt
* Climax is a large weather front
* A dildo is an extinct bird
* Deflower is to cut roses from the garden
* Adultery is a full grown tree
* Foreplay has to do with golf
* Intromission is going out for popcorn
* Monogamy is a type of wood
* Impotence is something significant
* Hedonist is a religious leader
* Degenerate is a device to produce DC power
* A stud is wood used to support a wall
Please complete your quiz and mail within 24 hours, with a SASE to:
The Society of Demented Consciousness
P O Box 92553-42.3
Unconscious, OK 45932-4902
Use someone else's name because your answers are not confidential and people will be making fun of your responses.
Along the path from the bank to work,
Behind the big box store, an ally where
Delivery trucks unload products that
Were probably made in China, stacked
On wood pallets, moved in a back door.
A man was walking along a semi-truck
Parked there. He turned to his left and
Seeing me in my old truck smiled, a
Beatific smile with the face of a poet, and
I automatically smiled back driving away.
He walked on and I watched in the mirror;
He was in dusty black too big for him jeans,
A bright blue cotton shirt wet with sweat.
His hair once dark but now mostly gray, and
His face scrubby with a mottled beard.
Memory ignited of a man I know, wearing the
Same color shirt though not looking anything
Like the man today, all the elements are there.
He spent his life working in cool rooms wearing
White cotton shirts and suit coats for meetings.
One week a year he attacks a jungle in slashing
It into a temporary well tended submission.
This morning and now all the day, it's fine.
June 24, 2010
Political
Pictures
San Simeon Sand
San Simeon sea shell
Pensecola FL
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
Oddly, about a half hour later another 2 year old filly, which had been waiting in a similar spot and fashion, flipped and unseated her rider. She then got up and ran into oncoming horse traffic on the backside.
There has been discussion of what caused the two horses to act this way on the same day and near the same time. No conclusions have been reported.
It's been an odd few days.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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