My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more.
The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""
The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."
A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
Out of Gas
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered BP.
Am I Hurt?
Two guys are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called.he hasn't written..."
Confusing the Children
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon Lil' Johnny becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. he peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," Lil' Johnny said, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."
Silly Sexy Stuff
Political Stuff
Dating Susan
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Poetry
by Rachel
Darkness replaced light, at
The point a gauzy curtain
Covered the opening of the wall.
Lacking reinforcements for the
Boundaries of life, after being
Wounded again, over the years.
The wounds are by now so very
Accepted by their owner, nothing
Leaks and their cover is thick.
Penetration is impossible. and
Not that being poked isn't just fine
But still add to a loss of the bond.
But happy to report that light
May replace dark somewhere now
In the tunnel with promised affection.
June 6, 2010
A Picture
Mayor's Hike'N Bike
[Notice the east side of YUM arena looking like a wing.]
Iroquois Park 1960's
Crossing the Bridge 1961
The Governor submitted another budget that trimmed state services including cuts to public education. After seven days of back and forth between the two houses and many attempts to change the budget, it was passed. Many in the House and Senate stood up to say they didn't like the budget but would pass it.
I appreciate their doing that, since passing a budget for the state is the job of the Legislature.
Then, reading a small article in the Courier Journal I see where this austere budget includes $100,000 for the Riverside Christian School in Breathitt County. A few years ago the Legislature decided to fund the creation of a Pharmacy School at a Christian College. The Kentucky Supreme Court stopped that stating in its ruling, "public funding for religious education violates the state's constitution."
It would seem that we will be in litigation again. I figure this is an effort to give some legislator's attorney brother or brother-in-law a job.
-----If you're a tree hugger, I have some good news for you. The Olmstead Conservancy had raised the last of their $900,000 amount to match a grand from the J. Graham Brown Foundation $900,000 grant for tree planning in two city Olmstead Parks. You may recall Mr. Olmstead is responsible for the design of Central Park in New York, as well as many other beautiful parks world wide.
We have some lovely parks in Louisville. We are very proud of all our parks. Cherokee and Seneca Parks are Olmstead parks. I live near Cherokee now.
On April 3, 1974 I wasn't living near either one, but the day after the tornado that ripped out thousands of mature trees from these parks. I recall driving down an expressway near Cherokee park and the hills were denuded. Film of the park with all the trees down was heart breaking. A book with stills was published "Tornado: A Look Back at Louisville's Dark Day, April 3, 1974" by William S. Butler. When I got my copy I cried looking at those bare hills.
Fund raising paid for thousands of trees to replace those that were lost, and that effort continued in community groups for a decade. But now thirty six years later, we are getting $1.8 million worth of new trees.
I am excited.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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