Worshiping Your Man's Penis & The Benefits
1) Every blow job you give adds one month to your life.
2) If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3) A hand job a day keeps arthritis away.
4) Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.
5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6) Intercourse prevents divorce.
7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.
8) Sex eliminates headaches.
9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, Thou shalt make thy man hard, triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
Two deliverymen were taking a large refrigerator to a local priest's home. With difficulty they had managed to get the fridge onto the porch, but struggled for over 20 minutes to make the 90-degree turn through the narrow door.
The priest, seeing their difficulty, asked what they usually did when confronted with such a situation.
Rubbing some badly skinned knuckles, one deliveryman replied, "Well, Father, at this point we usually start cursing."
"Well, gentlemen," the priest replied, "allow me time to move out of earshot so you can continue your work."
Diet Consultation
A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked interest in him. She asked, "How many calories are in sperm.?"
"Why?" he replied.
After thinking a minute he said, "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, then no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"
Old Goats
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Pissed Off
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, I'm so pissed off !
Oh yeah? What happened? asked the bartender politely.
See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!
Gee, that's tough! commiserated the bartender.
Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated, the customer went on.
When her husband came into the room he said; Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?
Yeech! the bartender shook his head. No wonder you're in a lousy mood.
Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!
Damn, that really is a drag! says the bartender.
Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!
The bartender paled. That would sure mess up my day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this ugly woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.
They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I''m dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"'
10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber inflatable disk drive!
John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to me fucking your brains out?"
"That is something I have never done before," the date replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"
"This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?"
"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I'll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"
This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been "getting any" from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen. The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.
He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and blow me. What happened?!"
To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
Cartoons & Pictures
Geeze, this country's going to hell when you can't even do a littel creative flag waving!
Exciting Experiences
Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.
The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.
The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.
The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"
The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
Poetry
by Rachel
Wind is a powerful force
To change the things now
Lateral to the earth into
Those horizontal to it.
Sun can cook an egg or
Light a room or make your
Skin release itself from your
Flesh or start a cancer.
Water though would seem to me
To be the most voracious force
For in quenching a thirst to save you
It can be wearing away granite.
June 4, 2006
Pictures
Herrington Lake
Greenland
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
My mind boggles. Sixteen lanes of traffic carry vehicles north out of or south into eight lanes of a bridge.
When driving north the traffic is manageable. I was in the right lane and my truck had been set to run 55 miles an hour. Everyone from a heavily loaded log semi-truck to the 1974 Oldsmobile that hadn't seen a mechanic or car wash in a decade was passing me going 70. The Indiana State Police write a lot of tickets in this part of the highway.
When I was nearing Sellersburg a big truck was entering the expressway. I had seen it and got into the left lane. Unfortunately, another big truck that had been running beside me did not see the new entrant and slammed on its brakes and moving into my lane at about 45 miles an hour. I'm not sure he saw me in my bright red truck but I slammed on my brakes and was able to not explode against his back bumper!
Then proceeding on I topped one of the gently rolling hills and about five hundred yards ahead a man was standing in the middle of the expressway between two lanes talking on a cell phone with his back to the traffic. I slammed on the brakes again, leaned on my horn and gave him time to walk back to the side of the road, where his mini-van was parked. I was amazed; a man standing in the middle of I-65 North talking on a cell phone.
The last time I made this trip I had sat in a traffic jam for about an hour going north and thirty minutes going south. Luckily I had a book with me.
I met some friends for lunch at a restaurant five miles north of the bridge one Thursday afternoon last month and it took me an hour to get back over the bridge at 2 in the afternoon. There wasn't an accident. The jam was due to traffic.
Once those who lived in Indiana and worked in Louisville would get up and start south about 7:45 a.m. for a job downtown that started work at 8:30 to 9 a.m. My home town is 43 miles from Louisville up I-65. Now you have to start for the city about 7 a.m. and 4 mornings out of 5 you will spend 45 minutes in traffic between Sellersburg and the river. Most mornings these delays are not due to accidents but just because of the high traffic volume. I'm sure this is nothing compared to places like Los Angeles and Houston. For southern Indiana and northern Kentucky it's a nightmare.
Louisville built a "world class" arena for the college basketball team in 18 months.
The powers that be began discussing the need for one or two new bridges in 1971, at least.
This bridge need is a big conversation topic here. Now after millions have been spent in studies of the problem and salaries of those involved, it is thought that tolls will be needed to pay for them. Most of those who sit daily in their cars and suck up exhaust don't give a damn, just build the bridges!
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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