Thirty Little Dick Lines
Girls, ever have to utter one of these lines?
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It ' s OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no I got a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. Only if you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
A Logical Explaination
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until after you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut. This is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might before stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
I've learned . that you can keep puking after you think you're finished.
I've learned . that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned . that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned . that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned . all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned . to say "fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature stay outside all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
One + one = two. Try to remember that.
Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.
April 1st is Your special high holy day.
- In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure it's a silent one.
- In a bathroom.
- In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.
- In an empty elevator before you get off.
- Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied.
- In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.
- While parachuting.
- While scuba diving.
- In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.
- During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.
- In your car if you've been carjacked.
- In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting their turn.
- In your car once you've been pulled over. You may be let you go quicker.
- During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.
- While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to blame.
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.
"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl replied.
"Did it hurt?"
"No."
"Really? Which bone did you break?"
"My sister's arm."
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.' Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
Here are women's actual responses.
*I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
*I would write my name in the snow."
*I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
*I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
*I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
*I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."
*I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
*I would measure it both ways."
*Pee off of a tall building."
*I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."
*I would treat women better with it."
*I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
*Teach my husband and sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."
*Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
*I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
*Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."
*Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
*See how many donuts I could carry with it."
*Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken the wife calls out to her husband, "Honey, you won't believe what just happened."
Not seeing him in anywhere in sight she then calls out "Where are you?"
"I'm over here in the pussy willows." he replies.
The wife screams back, "Whatever you do . DON'T HIT THAT BALL!
A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"
The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled.
He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants. Next, the man asks him to hold his member while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.
Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to it back in his pants for him. "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."
Cartoons & Pictures
Niagra & Viagra
A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he is having a hard time achieving an orgasm so the doctor gives him VIAGRA. Then he gives him a new drug that just came on the market.
The patient says isn't the VIAGRA enough?
And the doctor says The VIAGRA will give you an erection but the new drug NIAGARA will make you come like a waterfall!!!!!
Political Stuff
There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it,' I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden this big fucken tapeworm starts squirming up in my arsehole, so I bolted off and I won by a head."
The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing...I figured 'screw it,' I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! My hemorrhoid burst. Pus every where. Fuck it hurt. I ran like a bastard to try and itch the fucker, and guess what? I won!"
This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden this little cunt of a wasp stung my balls. I yelped and jumped like a motherfucker, and I won by a length!!
One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL FUCK ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"
Poetry
by Rachel
It is very late and the thunder
Has awakened me again for the
Seventh night in a row with
Loud claps of power and the
Shards of breaking light as
Gentle rain falls on the drive.
I’ve been doing jigsaw puzzles
For hours and thinking of you.
In the world over in
Your bed in
Your house on
Your street knowing
Your clover is growing in
Your yard and the yard of
Your lovely neighbor girls
Resting in their bed knowing
Their brick stone wall is wet,
As are the front steps of
Your across the street neighbor.
Perhaps he is sitting on the stoop
Smoking a cigarette in the damp
Wondering why that old hippie
Across his street doesn’t keep a
Smooth green golf course lawn.
Eventually I rein in my mind
Stroke the fur of a round gray cat
While his sister peers at us
From her perch at the top of
The chair across the room.
April 26, 2006
Pictures
He's always happy to see you!
Rachel Alexandra, winning Saturday June 12th 2010
Hot Tub!
Backyard Magnolia in Kentucky
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
A naked six year old walked into a bar last night. Bar patrons put a t-shirt on him and went looking for his family. Not locating them, they called the police who canvassed the neighborhood finding an open door to a home down the street. Inside three juveniles were found. No parent or adult was there. A half hour later he child's mother arrived. She had left her children in the car of the oldest one, a twelve year old. Social services investigated and the children were returned to their mother.
This evening the local news led with the story: "A six year old naked child walked into a bar."
Yes, the same child again walked into the same bar.
When I first heard that line I thought, "That's a good line for a joke."
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing
Active 3858 oil wells in the Gulf
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