Confusing Bet
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the race track. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager."You're too cautious and detail oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.
"What's your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It's simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids... ages two and six so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."
"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.
"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend," gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"
"My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it chop off his whole finger!?"
"No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"
* Take carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to a male employee squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''
* Tell an employee in an official tone, 'We've got a Code 3 in china,'' and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''
* Play with the automatic doors.
* To strangers say, ''I haven't seen you in so long!'' See what happens.
* While walking through the store say loud enough for all to hear, ''Who buys this shit, anyway?''
* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
* Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Magic!''
* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent; tell others they can come in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* TP as much of the store as possible.* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)
* When asked if you need help, cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield of G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the above battle.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie.
* While handling a gun in hunting, suddenly ask where the anti-depressants are.
* Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill a cart with boxes of condoms. Watch jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels.
* While alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation.
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front and begin stroking it lovingly, ''Good girl, good Bessie.'
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, take it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles.
* Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''
* Make up nonsense products and ask for them.
* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts quietly.
Frisky Dick
A man went to a doctor to have his dick enlarged. The particular procedure involved grafting a baby elephant’s trunk onto the end. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant.
After cocktails, the man’s prick crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly, the prick came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.
The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don’t believe I saw what I think I just saw...can you do that again ?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "I’d like to, but I don’t think my arse can take another crusty roll !"
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got."
He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that one back, too. After about 5 or 6 of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off.
He says to the guy, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"
The man sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole week!"
The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"
The man replied, "Well today's the last day!"
A few of the guys were sitting at a table in the pub, watching the US vs. England game Saturday. We had ordered a round of draft beers and after they were brought to the table, one of the guys, a visiting German, took his back to the bar. After telling the female bartender why he wasn't happy with his beer, to our amazement she hauled off and slapped him in the face.
When returned to the table, somewhat stunned, I asked what happened and why she slapped him.
His puzzled reply was, "Hell I don't know, all I did was ask her for some head."
A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes.
The shepherds agreed. The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?"
Said one of the men, "Why with so many sheep around, who needs women?"
The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?"The three men only smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...".
He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.
"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"
*You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
*Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
*Nuttin' beats mutton!
*Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
*Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed and then tell you they have to be home early.
*Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
*Sheep never ask about your former lovers and get pissed off when you tell them.
*No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.
*Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.
*Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.
*Sheep won't ask if you're gay when you can't get it up for the second time.
*Sheep never insist on eating out.
*You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Brad Pitt.
*Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.
*Sheep don't get moody once a month.
*A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.
*A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.
*A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.
*A sheep won't rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains after a week end.
*A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.
Pictures and Cartoons
Careful Wishing
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!" the bartender urged.
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like the governator when he was young.
She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'".....POOF!!!
Political
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant.
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
I am sure all you are aware that today is our Father's Day. For you fathers, Happy Father's Day!
What people do that is special for their fathers is unique to every one however, a local follower of the blog pointed out this ad running in the local paper this week. The establishment mentioned has a small ad on the page of the paper containing the entries and previous day's winners of horse races at Churchill Downs. I understand that Déjà Vu is a chain of businesses so perhaps you have one locally. If you have the nerve, ask your dad to go with you! After all entry is free, though I suspect the usual buck tucking and drink buying is expected.
SMILE
Rachel
Poetry
by Rachel
Hard heels on a hard floor,
Of a long empty hall, there's
Light at the end and
Light at the beginning,
Inside the hall it's dark.
There are doors to the left
Doors to the right and
All doors are closed on the hall,
But occasionally you
Stop and open one.
All rooms are vacant.
Nearing the end you turn
Slightly to look back from
Where you are and I am there.
Your face shows no fear and
No doubt and no regret.
A sound distracts up ahead.
You turn away looking into
The face of tomorrow.
You are transfixed. I pray,
“Don’t have him turn again to me.”
But you turn again and smile.
June 13, 2005
Pictures
Pictures
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
I am sure all you are aware that today is our Father's Day. For you fathers, Happy Father's Day!
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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