I had moved to South Carolina from New York and at that time, a vehicle inspection was required to register my car. I was nervous. My car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix.
I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn. Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the three dollar fee. I was shocked.
"Is that all you have to do"? I asked.
He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you"?
Camilla had come to see Dr. Freud. When the shrink began using sexual terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"
"A phallic symbol," explained Freud, "represents the phallus."
"What's a phallus?" asked Camilla.
"Oh," said Camilla. "It's just like a cock, only smaller."
Marital Problems
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks cocks."
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my Veranda for a while and relax. In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis. When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my Veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied.
Later he reported the Conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
Explaining the Rules to Mom
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year old soccer players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''
Again the little boy nodded.
Pragmatic Planning
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No. I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3 inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go fetch that quarter."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney. The bartender is tota lly amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
1. If you're a married American, your marriage is between 40 and 50 percent likely to end in divorce.
2. If you live in a red state, you're 27 percent more likely to get divorced than if you live in a blue state.
3. If you argue with your spouse about finances once a week, your marriage is 30 percent more likely to end in divorce than if you argue with your spouse about finances less frequently.
4. If your parents were divorced, you're at least 40 percent more likely to get divorced than if they weren't. If your parents married others after divorcing, you're 91 percent more likely to get divorced. 5. If only one partner in your marriage is a smoker, you're 75 percent to 91 percent more likely to divorce than smokers who are married to fellow smokers.
6. If you have a daughter, you're nearly 5 percent more likely to divorce than if you have a son.
7. If you're an evangelical Christian adult who has been married, there's a 26 percent likelihood that you've been divorced—compared to a 28 percent chance for Catholics and a 38 percent chance for non-Christians.
8. If you live in Wayne County, Indiana, and are over 15 years old, there's a 19.2 percent chance that you've been divorced. [I knew there was a reason I moved to Louisville in 1969!"]
9. If both you and your partner have had previous marriages, you're 90 percent more likely to get divorced than if this had been the first marriage for both of you.
10. If you're a woman two or more years older than your husband, your marriage is 53 percent more likely to end in divorce than if he was one year younger to three years older.
11. If you're of "below average" intelligence, you're 50 percent more likely to be divorced than those of "above average" intelligence.
12. If you've been diagnosed with cervical cancer, your likelihood of getting divorced is 40 percent higher than standard rates; it's 20 percent higher if you've been diagnosed with testicular cancer.
13. If you have twins or triplets, your marriage is 17 percent more likely to end in divorce than if your children are not multiple births.
14. If you're a female serial cohabiter—a woman who has lived with more than one partner before your first marriage—then you're 40 percent more likely to get divorced than women who have never done so.
15. If you're in a male same-sex marriage, it's 50 percent more likely to end in divorce than a heterosexual marriage. If you're in a female same-sex marriage, this figure soars to 167 percent.
On his honeymoon a very thick redneck Billy Joe, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea. On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.
"Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.
"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.
So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy Joe once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.
In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony. "Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.
"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."
Psycho Pick-Up Lines
"Wanna swap meds?"
"Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils?"
"Your crawl space or mine?"
"You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters."
"May I lick your forehead?"
"Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?"
"What's your favorite flavor of wood?"
"You've stolen my heart, but that's okay because I have three more back home in the freezer!"
There were two guys that worked at the Zoo. One guy was named Larry, and the other guy was named Joe. Well, one day, Larry bet Joe $500 to go have sex with one of the female gorillas.
"Hell no," was Joe's first reply.
"Come on man! It's $500!! And besides, we'll have her feet and arms tied down, and she'll have a muzzle on, so she can't get to ya!" Larry urged Joe.
After thinking a bit, Joe replied, "Well... I guess. Heck, it is $500. Who could turn that down?"
So they put Joe and the horniest gorilla they had in a room together. Sure enough, the gorilla had chains on, and a muzzle.
Joe got it going.. at first going a little slow, then picking up his pace. Just then, the gorilla's feet broke loose from the chains, and wrapped around Joe's hips. A few minutes later, the gorilla's arms broke loose and wrapped around Joe. Just then, Joe started yelling.
Larry came running in, out of breath, panting, "What?? What's the matter? Do you want us to chain her up again?!"
To this Joe replied, "Hell no! Take this muzzle off so I can kiss her!!!"
Cartoons & Pictures
A recent quote is: what do we do with cities named San Francisco,
DesMoines and all those things carved on our courthouses and city halls.
For those important family holidays.
- Heine Brothers has decided to use you as their official mascotYou've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
- You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
- You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
- Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
- You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
- You can't remember thhe last time you blinked.
- The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
- Your dog's name is Folgers.
- You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
- You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
Poetry
by Rachel
Sometimes when I've worked and
Stop working, turned the keys in
All the lock boxes and made my
Supper, watching the news and then
Gone to bed reading the latest book;
I won't sleep and my mind won't
Drift to where it can lay down all
Busy thoughts of the daytime.
So sometimes I will walk down the steps
Without light, into the bowels of the
Building to look out on the brightness
Of a full moon shining on the lawn and
Later return to a room of dreams so vivid
The place I am doesn't seem to be the
Place I was so I will pull on a shirt and shorts,
Tie on shoes and take my license and
Turn the locks to quietly slip out the door.
In my truck I spend the hours until first light
Cruising the quiet streets that belong to
Early risers going to fast food joints to
Make the biscuits and brew the coffee
For those who worked third shift and
Want no more than to wind down and
Get home in time to wake their kids', make
Breakfast and drive them to school.
April 28, 2010
A Picture
A mountain, before mountain removal for coal extraction
RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
Let the word go out across the land, Rachel survived the Kentucky Primary 2010!Working at the polls is a rewarding experience. You cannot do it for the pay and you are not allowed to use your position to influence who people vote for. But the smooth and fair process of voting in America is due largely to those who volunteer to work the polls. If you have never worked at the polls, you should. Most employers will give you the day off with notice. It makes me proud to be a citizen.
Now, as I remove my poll worker robes I turn to the subject of Dr. Rand Paul.
I don't know this man's personal history. I know he is a Texan and that his first name is because his father Ron Paul was enamored of Ayn Rand, the Russian émigré who was the American proponent of egoism and reason; a laissez-faire capitalism and limited government. Since he has followed the lead of his father starting Kentucky Taxpayers United (KTU), a state version of his father's national organization, it is assumed this means he is not for collectivism or working for the common good. I cannot imagine America being based on egoism any more than it already is.
Dr. Paul was chosen by the majority of voting Republicans to represent the GOP against the winner of the Democratic Primary, Jack Conway. They are running to fill the Senate seat now occupied by Jim Bunning our junior senator, known most prominently for being a good baseball player. Since then Paul has been the media darling. I woke up Wednesday to his interview with a CBS reporter at 8 a.m. He said at that time he had been up since 4 a.m. taking interviewer's questions. The day continued to proceed with his face in all the papers, his voice on NPR radio and his face on television broadcasts.
The next day, Thursday, he was backtracking and trying to explain that he was misunderstood and taken advantage of by the "liberal media". Yet, he continued to state he thought the right for a black person to buy a hamburger at any restaurant should be the decision of he owner of the restaurant.
By Saturday afternoon, after the love fest in Frankfort with all the main line GOP led by Mitch McConnell, he had suddenly realized he was tired. It was announced he would not be appearing on Meet the Press Sunday morning.
I got that déjà vu all over again; had Sen. Barry Goldwater really returned in the soul of Dr. Rand Paul?
Five months from now the General Election will be held. I'll volunteer to work at the polls. In the mean time I'll metaphorically and actually, pop me some pop corn and sit back to watch.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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