Obedience
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison, "You do, Daddy!"
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"
A man goes to see the pastor. "Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes."
Bar Fight
A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually finding one, he begged, "Please come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!"
The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent fist-fight. "OK, son," said the cop, "which one is your father?"
"I don't know," said the boy. "That's what they're fighting about!"
Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints.''
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
A Simple Question
The teacher of a high school class in the fundamentals of economics led the discussion around to the population explosion. "Certain levels of our society reproduce much more frequently than others," he pointed out. "What people would you guess reproduce the most?"
One bright student answered, "Women?"
Divorce CourtJudge: "You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that correct?"
Judi: "Yes, it is."
Judge: "And the grounds for your request is that your husband is too careless about his appearance. Is that also correct?"
Judi: "That's right, Judge. He hasn't appeared at home for five years now."
Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac. After six times having sex, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out, he stopped into the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find "it." After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"
Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
You couldn't go to church because your Sunday socks were being used as your truck's gas cap.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for road-kill.
You think Wal-Mart is too expensive.
Good News & Bad News
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on. A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.' 'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice. 'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?' 'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers from Singapore. She refused with disdain. He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mabel, and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her. Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."
"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the wilderness of Canadian to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on the lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in exactly one week to pick you up. But remember - only one moose, please."
When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!"
"Aw, you're just a chicken shit pilot," one of the hunters said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try." They loaded up the plane and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.
Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."
At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'till next Wednesday
Pictures & Cartoons
The Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover," and jump out the window. My husband's home early!""I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining," he replied.
Poetry
by Rachel
It was a good fuck, and
Of course as insatiable as I am
I want more good fucks from you.
How does a person ask for that,
Without seeming to be given
A label signifying meanness.
I want to train you to cum
More and more, and I
Want you to leave me
With memories you will keep
In your mind and heart too, and
Both of us look back on this with smiles.
October 10, 2007
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted.
RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
A Picture
Last Sunday I drove over to the family cemetery. Having gone to mass Saturday afternoon, that morning was open for the trip. It was also a beautiful morning; cool, bright sunshine.
The road is out I-71 toward Lexington, but at Carrollton there's a turn into the hills along a two lane blacktop. This is the road I began traveling with my mother, grandmother and sister when I was eight and we went there to bury my father. Both my mother and father's side of the family came from over there and the first maternal grandfather there was John who settled on a rocky ground farm near a creek up there.
The grave was bought by my maternal grandmother when her husband died after coming in from the fields one hot July day, with a terrible headache. Before anyone could think the pain was serious he was dead of a cerebral hemorrhage. He was the first to occupy the plot.
My father followed in the second grave in 1959. My grandmother was next in 1971. My husband was next in 1991. My mother was the most recent in 1998. The plot has three more empty spaces. There is one for me, my sister and her husband. As she lives in a far western state, I wonder if she will come back here.
It was to that old cemetery beside the two lane road I went. The graveyard is encircled by a high iron fence with gates that are sometimes open and sometimes chained. That day they were chained and I arrived early, but I parked the truck in the short drive between the road and fence, entering through a small gate.
The space had been mowed the past week and the clippings lay drying on the grass in clumps. They never weed wack around the stones, so there are tufts of long grass sticking up thriving. Our plot is low in the place. I took off my shoes and walked down to the area where my family lies. I had brought a pink silk rose and stuck it in the ground at the foot of my husband's grave. I know it will be destroyed when they mow again, but that's alright. Nothing lasts in a graveyard except the stones and they change with weathering.
There is a concrete wall around a rich family's plot. It's higher and overlooks ours. I stayed there in the cool air and warm sunshine for a while. My mind wanders but thinks of nothing joyful, so I'll keep it from you.
This trip is something I make around the end of May every year. One year a friend came with me. He was the first person I brought here after Dennis died and that was ten years later. Another friend, a man I was seeing for a while came once and he went walking all over the place taking pictures while I stayed near the family graves. I like this trip to be solitary. It's something that when I say, "Would you like to go with me?" I expect people to say no.
Dennis had a big family; lots of aunts, uncles, five brothers and sisters. They all have big families of children and grand children. When they marry they have big weddings and when there's a birth, lots of showers and parties. When one dies all the proper decorum is followed for the funeral and internment. But unlike my family, no one tends the graves. Often his youngest sister will say she wants to go with me. I usually wait closer to Memorial Day, so she can come. But in over eighteen years since he died, she hasn't. I'm alright with that. The time I go and am there is time I have alone with my family.
My husband died on a Thursday night some time after midnight. When he first died I didn't cry. I told myself I had to be strong and not a blubbering out of control person. So when the funeral was planned for the following Monday, I thought; four days. I have to be strong for four days and each night I would count down the time I had to be strong. I was too and I'm sure people had their thoughts about a woman who could be dry eyed.
Afterwards, there were employees to manage and jobs to do and where I had a partner, I no longer did, so I had to be strong to keep things going. I think that was good as we had no children, so I didn't have them to live for. I worked sixteen hours seven days. It was seven months before I slowed down. But, I would allow myself to cry on the way to work and the way home; stopping in time to dry my eyes. My advice to someone in my place now days, is be a little crazy. No one, least of all that person you love, expects you to be so strong.
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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