Rachel's Newsletter

Time to Break the News

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.


Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


Careful Inspection

This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, "I know this former jockey with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."

The buyer arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth", the buyer replies.


So the owner shows him one.


"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?"


So the owner picks up the guy and shows him the horse's mouth.


"Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?"


So the owner picks up the buyer and shows him the horse's eyes.


"Ok, what about the eerth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the guy one more time and shows him the ears.

"OK, finally, can I see her twat?"

With that, the owner picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out.


Shaking his head, the buyer says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?

Drowning

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went down another 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

No Help

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr. Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr. Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones' came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses'. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses' said, "You helped the Smith's, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses', the doc said "ok, ok...stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

Etiquette Guide for Trashy People

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in Your Home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating [Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 pm; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, & the deer is in sight.

2. Approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. Sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Prepared for Hell

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

''You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

A Different Direction

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife. "What should I do?" asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue."

The Evil Image

A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide.  He lost his job, his home and his car.

Out of nowhere a evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem was.

The man replies he has nothing to live for.  Everything is gone.

The evil image in the cape tells man he is the devil, and he would grant him three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.

The man thinks for a minute, and agrees to the terms offered.

First he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tells the man that he now has a 6 bedroom house with 3 baths at 316 Oak View Lane.

Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is now Senior VP at IBM.

Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work, and the evil image tells the man he has 2 Lincoln Town cars in his new 2 car garage.

"Well," the evil image says, "it's time to keep your end of the bargain."

They go under the bridge, and the act is performed.  They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.

"Well," says the man who performed the deed, "Did you really think I was going to jump???"

With that, the evil image tells the man, "Did you really think I was the devil?"

The Animal in Him

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.

So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

Pictures & Cartoons

 

Camping With Pals

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to share a tent with Randy, because he snored so badly. They decided the fair thing would be to take turns.

The first guy who slept in Randy's tent came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. When asked, "Man, what happened to you?"

He replied, "Randy's snoring was so loud I just sat up and watched him all night."

The same thing happened to the guy who drew Randy's tent the next night.

He said, "Man, that Randy shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn't do anything but watch him all night."

The guy in Randy's tent on the third night came to breakfast bright-eyed. "Good morning!" he said.

The other guys couldn't believe it. "Man, what happened?"

"Well, we got ready for bed. I tucked Randy into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Randy sat up all night watching me."

Poetry

by Rachel

An itch when scratched

Is the most pleasure

You can imagine for the

Seconds, till it is satisfied.

There are pleasures lasting

Longer and more likely to

Implant themselves in your

Memory; none are more intense.

December 15, 2009

All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unatributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, atribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .

Pictures

A political ad.  In order to get the 2nd picture, where do the people have to go?

Central Park, New York City

 

The week before, the week before Derby is the last chance anyone living in Louisville Kentucky can do real work. To some extent this also includes the entire state and the southern half of Indiana. After Thursday of this week anyone living within the area will be totally useless for anything but hosting out of town friends, celebrating, talking about and watching events set up for The Kentucky Derby Festival. This also means that a large number will be inebriated for two weeks. A girl I used to work with would take one week of her vacation Derby Week every year. She said she got more free drinking and sex than she got the remaining fifty-one weeks. A friend who reads Craig's List regularly, said this past Monday that the out of town working girls are already set up and advertising for men who want that special hospitality only money will get you.

 

Poll worker training was scheduled this week. I went this morning. Others are going tomorrow. This is a well rehearsed, well organized necessary class for all people who are working at the polls for the Primary Election, May18th. We gathered like polite strangers, sat and completed forms, answered questions in pencil, stood and swore we had not fought or facilitated a duel in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. More words of the oath were about the possible duel than the honest fiduciary responsibility we accepted with it. A video played for thirty minutes and we were out of there.

I am hopeful that before I am too old to work the polls we will be able to complete this process in some non-congregating way. Perhaps we can use Skype as we assemble in our homes to take a computer class in our jammies? Really though, it wasn't a bad way to spend a beautiful Tuesday morning. I got to see a part of town I used to live in and notice all the businesses that had changed in the past twenty years.

Rachel

Amazing Picture