There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
It happened at a summer resort in the mountains of West Virginia as do many things. The young
executive was sitting at the bar, quietly drinking himself into a stupor, when an attractive redhead sat down beside him and ordered Scotch and water. They got into a harmless conversation, and as the evening wore on they became progressively friendlier. After the umpteenth round, he leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Let's get a bottle and go up to my room."
She focused her glassy stare on him. "I'll have you know I'm a lady," she slurred.
"I realize that. If I wanted a man, I'd send home for my brother!"
John receives a phone call.
Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, this is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John. He would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?" and then bridle his horse. One day while going through this routine he said, "Hey there, John..." when, to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him!
He said, "For months now, you've walked in here and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?' and I'm tired of it! You never wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!"
And with that, the horse took off running! Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying to catch it. Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase. After a while the man became tired and stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came back also now breathless, and sat down beside him. The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk before!"
"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed, naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife peed on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes," Came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be t! here watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the ch ild, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me."
I was traveling between Phoenix and Ajo the other day south of Gila Bend when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.
"Democrat," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat."
The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Democrats.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
"Republican!", I shouted.
"Hop in!", replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Republican for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him. One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba comes in after having mowed the lawn and proceeds to pee in the toilet.
Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look. Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice."
Bubba laughed and said, "It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times."
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Funny Pictures
A blonde arrived for the first golf lesson and the pro asked him to take a swing at a ball to see how he'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your lover's penis.".
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
Getting To Know You
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"'Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
An atmospheric scientist on the radio today
Announced that it would be possible in an
Emergency to cool the earth by delivering a
Particulate cloud to the upper atmosphere.
Particles would reflect the rays of the sun
Making the climate cooler, compensating
For massive amounts of carbon dioxide
From our cars, homes and factories.
Furthermore we are told this is not a solution.
This is an emergency measure and would
Reset the bar, requiring us to repeat it forever.
Instead of our drastically reducing pollution.
But, on a positive note, one consequence of
Doing this will be pale instead of blue Jerusalem
Skies on clear days and more brilliant sunsets
Of sunny days around the world at evening.
April 16, 2010
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unatributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, atribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .
Pictures
Thunder Over Louisville 2010
In a kitchen window in the Highlands, Louisville
A plume that looks like chimney smoke
A spring path
Yesterday was Thunder over Louisville. That means seven hundred thousand people went downtown and onto the bank of the Ohio River to watch a wide variety of civilian and military planes fly around all day. At about 9:30 p.m. fireworks were launched for about thirty minutes in a technological marvel of music and explosion. Then for the next four hours, all those people tried to get home.
In the past Dennis and I watched from roof tops or in the offices of friends in buildings a couple of blocks from the river. Then I began watching from my apartment high up in a building in the Highlands. Now, I don't even do that. I keep saying I'll have a watch party, but everyone I know likes to be out near the event. Maybe the watch party will work when my friends are old.
Sunday in Louisville is a beautiful thing in April. The excitement of the Derby hovers in the air like a pink mist along with tree pollen and butterflies. Yes! I saw my first butterfly this morning. It was small, yellow and fascinated with a wild grapevine growing at the side of a building.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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