Rachel's Newsletter

Dangerous Food
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and we don't realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old woman in the front row raised her hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

A Meeting of the Girls

A group of 40-year old girls discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters are cute and buff.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discusses where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food is very good and the wine selection is excellent.


Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the girls once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discusses where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the girls once again discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they've never been there before.


A Blind Man
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.


Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.


"Sir, remember ? I'm the blind man."


"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"


The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
( Part 4 )
76. Never get married if you are not prepared to have your wife cheat on you with another man, unless you yourself are willing to help her.
77. It is common practice for the groom's father and brothers to "break in" his future wife, usually on the wedding day and almost always minutes or at most hours before the ceremony.

78. When two couples swap partners for a night, both wives prefer sex with the other woman's husband over their own.

79. A woman who has refused to swallow her husband's sperm for 15 years will suddenly find herself overcome with the desire to do it for another man who she just met.

80. When a woman wants to have an affair, she immediately becomes very undiscerning and never worries that the person she finds in the bar and fucks minutes after meeting him might have a sexually transmitted disease.

81. Only married women looking to cheat on their husband go to bars.

82. Only horny young guys who are looking for married women are there to pick them up.

83. If a guy is lucky enough to peep at a woman through a small opening (keyhole, hole in wall, gap between window shade and window sill), he will be treated to a full-blown peep show as the woman strips and masturbates.

84. If the girl notices the man peeping at her, she will smile and continue her strip-and-masturbation routine for him.

85. If the man and the woman are in locations physically close to each other (adjoining rooms, for instance), she will then burst into his room and force him to confess.

86. She will then fuck him.

87. If the wife walks in while the father is fucking his 16-year-old daughter, she will not get mad.
88. Instead she'll drops all her clothes and participate.
89. When mum/sis/aunt accidentally walks in on her masturbating 16-year-old son /brother /nephew, she knows it's time to teach him about sex.
90. She then calls him into her room.
91. She then asks him questions about his virginity.
92. She then fucks him.
93. It never crosses mum's mind that screwing her son is going to cause him problems in the future.
94. It's always her way of "looking out for him" or "getting him ready."
95. When a woman first tastes cum, she immediately loves the taste.
96. Pizza delivery boys are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
97. Hospital patients are the fifth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
98. If a big dog is mentioned in a story (even one that isn't specifically "beastiality"), that dog will end up having sex with a human female.
99. Horses are incredibly aroused by naked human females.
100. So are dogs.

Cartoons & Pictures

Poetry

by Rachel

The only choice there is

In matters of love, is

To love.

In matters of matrimony

At the age of sixty

It would be best to gravitate

Towards someone young.

And, they should be

Smarter than you

Younger than you

Fitter than you,

and of course

Kinder than you,

For age is cruel.

May 7, 2008

All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unatributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, atribution is noted.

RachelNewsNotes@aol.com .

Pictures

Churchill Downs on Oaks Day

A wet and muddy Kentucky Derby

Yazoo City, MS

You may have heard that in Louisville Kentucky the 136th Kentucky Derby day was a rainy day. The race itself was run in the early evening. Just as the twenty horses in the race were walking from the paddock to the gate with all their trainers and owners, the sun came out. This didn't mean the men in their thousand dollar suits and the women in their four inch Jimmy Cho's weren't walking through six inches of deep mud. The jockeys sat atop their chosen horse, clean and dry, while an outrider horse road by a livered helper held their harness. At this point the only hope any of them had of remaining clean was if they were lucky to break from the gate and lead all the way to the finish line. No one was so lucky.


The winning jockey Calvin Borel told a reporter before the race that he was going to wear five sets of goggles and hoped that was enough. He is famously known as "Borail" meaning he rides the rail to win. It is a good thing we don't get a clear picture of this until after the race. He rides that so expertly that it is estimated he's less than three inches from that rail. That is dangerous if you're not talented. Calvin once again was the most talented and won aboard Super Saver.


I had money on the horse. For it is exciting watching a horse I've made a small bet on, run and win in a hard fought race. It is hard to describe the feeling. It is odd too as I wasn't much of a horse racing fan until a few years ago. I owe that vice a my friend.  I bet the winner $2 across the board. It paid $32.80.


The famous and nearly so, schlep into town and after they sober up, schlep out of town. As with other humongous touristy events in other places, public relations professionals and party planners convince them to attend the Derby Week parties and walk into Churchill Downs on a red carpet. They are resplendent in finery and have entourages trailing behind. Local news heads confront them with a microphone and camera streaming live interviews and basically ask, "Who are you betting in the big race?" It's mind numbing. There have been some genuinely famous people attend this thing but this year, it was a herd of B-List reality show has been's and the fading famous. Maybe I don't watch enough television. The one person I knew was Diane Lane, who was one of the Grand Marshal's in the Pegasus Parade, Thursday.


Tomorrow all we who live in Louisville will return to our lives and turn our attention to politics and the latest natural or unnatural disaster in the world. Indiana holds its primary election Tuesday and I look forward to no longer having to endure their endless commercials. No worry. Kentucky's primary is May 18th and I'm sure all those vacant TV spots will be taken up by our candidates.


Rain continued after the races last night. Having gone to bed with a book at the usual time, I was awakened by the cat about 1 a.m. She seldom sleeps near me but last night she was either on my feet on perched on the back of the divan watching. Thunder storms raged and I finally turned on the light and read. By 5:30 a.m. it was still raining and the television was a blast of angry red, which meant storms were moving through the state with flash floods. It is still raining now. Grass is already over my shins in the yard. Maybe renting a rake and hay bailer would be a good idea.

SMILE
Rachel

Amazing Picture