Small Town News
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing?"
"Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."
Research
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese, drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English as your only language is what kills you.
Oh My
"Say," said the recently married player in his usual confidential tone, "there are a lot of hot women at this party. If I find a chick who is ready would you mind if I used your extra bedroom for a little quick in and out in and out?""Nothing to worry about," said the operator. "I'll only be gone a few minutes and she'll never miss me."
"No, I'm sure she won't miss you," agreed the host, "but fifteen minutes ago she borrowed the extra bedroom."
Holding
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of > water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Advice
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a mail order bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
A Spell
A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman a practicing witch. The morning after she had caught ICE-Man with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. ICE-Man thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.
"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?" pleaded a distraught ICE-Man.
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!" cried ICE-Man.
"There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" asked ICE-Man.
"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."
Girlie Wisdom
1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Birthday Present
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. [continued after the funnies].
Cartoons and Funnies
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *^&%%$$$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal, a mammogram, a pelvic exam, or even a hysterectomy!
Poetry
by Rachel
It is like they are performing in a play
Making sure the living of their lives
Was displayed to the view of their
Family and friends, instinctively, no
Script, yet what they want in the
Way of expectation from afar.
They make it up as they go and seem to
Dance effortlessly for the tune in our heads.
All is quiet in the air surrounding my body,
There is no play for performance by me,
As every moment the words are noise
Silent not spoken or seen; they run
Across the eye of the mind speaking
Only to me in my endless thoughts.
By not dwelling on the apocalyptic of the two
Exhibiting their play. I forgive them of course.
Writing words down, coming back to shave
Sharp edges so they turn around corners.
There is a discordant maze in this place and
These important words meet others in
Seeking knowledge, learning what I am and
How to be all that is me; kind affection matters.
February 13, 2010
Political Pictures
I don't get why anyone in a stressful personal situation would ever want to or agree to go on camera for a national television broadcast. Doing that less than 24 hours after the disaster borders on insanity.
I've seen parents of children who have been abducted sit there crying while choking out words about their feelings.
I've seen parents of a child who was just found dead and dismembered in the woods after a week of searching, talking about their grief.
I've seen child of 15 who had been sexually molested by a trusted family member sitting with the brother of the molester, speaking of their abhorrence.
This is nuts.
Maybe it's a good thing to have a "spokesperson" or further removed family member speak in order to draw attention to the need to watch our children or improve mine safety, but for me at least, it's too much. I turn the TV off when this is shown. I may be a life voyeur and perhaps I will slow down a little driving by a wreck, but I do not need to see and hear that with my morning coffee.
Alright, I'm stepping back down off the soap box! The final four miners were found dead by the end of this week. Now begins the funerals.
One thing I do enjoy in the morning is reading the daily paper. I grew up in a small country town and there was a weekly paper. It used to be a good paper. I still subscribe and now it's basically a weekly paper of record; births, deaths, marriage licenses, court reports, arrest records. The news is meth busts and people arrested for smoking marijuana or hitting their girlfriend. When I moved to Louisville there were two daily papers; one in the morning and one in the evening. When I married we got both papers. We both loved reading the paper. Hubby had a daily paper in the town where he grew up and still subscribed to it.
Now days I read the remaining daily paper and enjoy it immensely. While doing so today, on TV an entertainment talking head was trying to use the iPad. The device looks sleek and cute and modern. I'm not convinced. Let me keep my daily paper. Even if they raise the price of it to the price of the New York Times, I want my daily paper.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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