No, Not that One
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. What should I do?
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
3. The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
1. You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.
It was following the resurrection and disciples were still somewhat scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news."
Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?"
John says, "The good news is Christ is risen."
Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?"
John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a blonde recognizes him as an International Rugby player.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down," "It will say ADIDAS in a minute or so!!!"
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answered the door. She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her: "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker was impressed and asked "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times."
Catholic Education
Mary stammers for a moment, then replies "Mister Johnson, that's an inappropriate question, and I'll have you know my parents will find out about this!"
Mr. Johnson sighs "Very well. Susan, can you answer the question?"
Susan, a bright girl who had been paying attention, replies "Yes. The human iris, under conditions of dim light."
"Thank you. Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you did not read the lesson plan. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, some day you will be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Top Clever Things To Convince Your Lover To Do Oral
- "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury Creme Eggs that you like so much."
- "So, twenty bucks then?"
- "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Rush."
- "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you?"
- "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine?!?"
- "Look, do you want that raise or not?"
- "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"
Norman came in from the field one day and found his mother carefully spreading handful after handful of manure over the watermelon patch. "Maw," he said, "there's an easier way of doing that."
So saying , he took a stick of dynamite and, and lit it under the outhouse. However, Norman didn't know his great-grandfather was using the facility just then, and when the TNT ignited, it vaporized the outhouse and blew the man nearly a mile into the air. He landed, with a considerable thud, in the midst of the watermelons.
"Good Lawd," Norman yelled, "are y'all right, great granpa?"
The feisty old man rose unsteadily. "I reckon I am," he replied. "All I kin say is I'm glad I didn't let that one go in the house!"
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
You Might be a Farmer if:
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your boyfriend does.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you grew up on 40 years ago, but cannot recall your honey's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers, and peel apples.
One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!
But if you fuck one goat they never forget!"
Pictures & Cartoons
A man walks into a revolving bar on top of a hotel, and strikes up a conversation with one of the regulars, who says: "You know, these revolving buildings create air vortices with interesting properties. If you time it right, you can jump out the window and get blown right back in."
The newcomer says "No way." But sure enough, the regular goes over the window, concentrates for a minute, then jumps out. A few seconds later he comes right back through the window and lands on his feet.
The newcomer says, "Wow! That's awesome! I want to try that. But how do I know when to jump?" The regular says, "Don't worry, I'll count it off for you." So the newcomer goes to the window, the regular concentrates for a bit then counts "3, 2, 1, GO!," and the newcomer jumps out of the window and falls thirty stories to his death.
The regular goes back to the bar. The bartender leans over to him and says, "You know, Superman, you're kind of an asshole when you're drunk."
The adults are captured, sit on chairs
Lining the walls in the large room.
They entered willingly, sit quietly, and
Seldom talk to anyone but clerks.
Men come alone or with the wife.
Women come with their sister or
More usually their daughter or niece.
Sons don't bring in the elderly parent.
This is an observational study on my
Part, as I am always alone myself at
These morning appointments where
My body but not my soul is examined.
As I'm captured here with the others,
My mind wanders to a life where I have
Children and at least one daughter with
Whom I would be talking, while waiting.
March 29, 2010
They entered willingly, sit quietly, and
Seldom talk to anyone but clerks.
Men come alone or with the wife.
Women come with their sister or
More usually their daughter or niece.
Sons don't bring in the elderly parent.
This is an observational study on my
Part, as I am always alone myself at
These morning appointments where
My body but not my soul is examined.
As I'm captured here with the others,
My mind wanders to a life where I have
Children and at least one daughter with
Whom I would be talking, while waiting.
March 29, 2010
Pictures
Last Spring
Mountain Lake
Flooded Fields
Naked Day
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unatributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, atribution is noted.RachelNewsNotes@aol.com.
I found a blog on obsession. It seems to be a woman who met a man at a business meeting a long time ago. He has become the only thing she thinks about or writes about or evidently talks about? After reading her posts for a month I've figured out she has never had a one on one conversation with him; phone, e.mail, text message or in person.
She seems to have an entire friendship genealogy laid out along the lines of who "Sam" knows, went to school with, rides the same train as, eats lunch with, plays racquetball with, etc.
From her posts she dreams of the man. She spends time between business appointments thinking of him. She wonders what he thinks about her, or if he thinks about her. He is a ghost in her story; when we are married we will, etc.
I couldn't stand reading more posts. They go back years. Her fascination seems to have started because after the meeting he took her left hand in his two hands and said, "It was really good to make your acquaintance Gertrude." [All names changed to protect the crazy people.]
I try to think if I've ever been this obsessed with someone I only met once and never saw again. I don't think so. I was insane that first year with Roger but I forgive myself. He was the first man I met and dated after my husband died. I was the crazy person that year and he was just the man to take advantage of the situation the next four.
Have you ever been an obsession or obsessed with someone? You can tell me privately.
The week has been lovely. There is nothing like a week of early spring in Kentucky. Keeneland opened its short spring meet Friday. Friends went for the opening and I hear they fed the horses quite well!
Happy Easter! SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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