Rachel's Newsletter

The young man said to his sweetheart, "We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets."

The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?"

"They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"

10 Advantages of Growing Old

1. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

2. Kidnappers ignore you.

3. Sexual harassment charges against you just don't stick.

4. People no longer think you're a hypochondriac.

5. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

6. Your eyes won't get much worse.

7. You're no longer expected to run into a burning building.
8. Whatever you buy now won't wear out.
9. In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.
10. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.


The Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."


"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," Morris replies sheepishly.


"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"


"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."


Veranda

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my Veranda for a while and relax. In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis. When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my Veranda again."

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife.


She asked, "What's his wife's name?"


Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."


The Cure
A woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."

The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doctor, I'm doing it twice a night now, sometimes even three times."


"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"


"I don't know, Doctor," she replied. "He has been away on a business trip for the past two weeks."
Learning
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."


A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"


Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."


Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"


"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

Resourceful

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. One day he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later, the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform. "Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.


"Ten years, ten long years."


"Ten years? How have you coped all that time on your own?"


"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is, over there."


"But ten years! Ten years without sex!"

"Ahhhh, well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly. "About six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in th e sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"


"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the shocked Captain.


"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

Recent Political Cartoons of Note

Over 2000 healthcare lobbyists worked for over a year to stop the Health Care Reform bill.  I don't think they're doing it right! :o)

Cartoons & Pictures

Cat scan

Getting the Information

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Poetry

Rain falls in the evening, and a long

Smear wets the glass of a window.

Though it is nighttime here I see

Across the yard a reflection

In the light from inside the house.

Stepping outside I feel warm air and

The dampness of the night is more

Than refreshing as I breathe in the

Scent of growing green spreading

Across the field into the distance.

Though rain will continue tomorrow and

Snow will dust the green the day after,

Spring has arrived to the Bluegrass and

There are reports of hat making class and

Horses train again for the Derby.

March 21, 2010

               

Old One But ALWAYS Makes Me Laugh

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking


around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.


"Except what?" the man asked.


"Nothing, nothing."


"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"


"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."


"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.


The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"


The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."


The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"


The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.


The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"


The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."


The rest is history.

Pictures I Like

Potential

All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unatributed sources for the  most part.  When there is an identifying tag, atribution is noted. 

RachelNewsNotes@aol.com.

I went over to the outpatient department at the hospital this morning. My appointment was "some time between 7 and 10 a.m." I was told I should arrive at least 30 minutes before 7 if I was trying for that time. No coffee or yogurt or anything was to be consumed after midnight. I imagined the scent of a toasting bagel and coffee as I left. It was dark but standing by the truck the sky was aglow with the lights in the city.



Arriving at the hospital about 6:30 a.m., I found the door to the "West Entrance", though no one thought to mention the entrance had a 4 foot sign over it saying "West Entrance". There were 6 entrances to the hospital!


The waiting room was empty except for a man and woman sitting. I signed the sheet and sat down. The man was having surgery today, though he had not had lab work, as I was getting, and they said they'd have to do some labs first.


A young woman with long blond hair, called my name and I followed her across the hall and into a room in the back. Her name was on a badge which further revealed she is an RN. She lives in the next county over and when she mentioned that I said, "You have two hospitals out that way don't you?" She said that was right and they would have another soon as well as another for children. I said, "Building hospitals and closing schools, huh?" She nodded.


They had a recliner for me to sit in and she asked me about two hundred questions. After that we went to another room in the same sequence of rooms and there was another recliner. She asked me to strip to the waist and put on the gown provided. I did. She returned and told me to sit in the recliner and she put up the foot rest as I leaned back.


Stickers were placed all over my front, alligator clips were attached and an EKG was run. Then blood pressure was checked and four tubes of blood collected. That was it. She told me I was free to go and the results would be sent to my doctor. I redressed and left.


It was still dark and about 7:40 a.m. I got in the truck and drove away back home, passing gas stations which at 6:15 a.m. showed gas at $2.71 and now showed gas at $2.59.


This whole thing will be repeated next Wednesday when I'm expected at the outpatient surgery center at 6 a.m. I can't wait to hear my friend's reaction to that early hour. I may take a cab and let him come later to collect me. I have a friend who is a cab driver, so that whole thing can be arranged.


Oh, and I asked the woman who checked me in for the lab work, what the cost of this was going to be. She actually looked shocked that I asked. Her answer was she didn't know. No, she didn't know who knew.


I said, "You know I've been in business a long time and I cannot imagine that I'd get much work if I couldn't tell a client what the cost would be for work they wanted."


"Well even if they know the procedure, there's no way to know if there will be extra charges because of something that happens which we don't anticipate."


I said, "I know but isn't there a basic price list?" No there wasn't.


Healthcare, the only business that provides a service for which no defined price is known prior to the beginning of the service.


SMILE
Rachel

Amazing Picture