Sunday, March 7, 2010

Birthday Gift

On her forty-first birthday, a woman received, among other presents, an extravagantly expensive wrinkle-removing cream from her teenage daughter.
"And what did she give you last year?" a guest asked the mom.
Her reply without hesitation was: "The wrinkles!"

Plastic Surgery

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer park, and from where I live, I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brick house. She's so horny that every night, I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well," said the man, "I felt this was a waste, so one day I got under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the couch!"

Banging the Bell

Sheila and George were spending the first night of their honeymoon in a quaint medieval town in France. To add piquancy to the evening, Sheila suggested coyly that they make love every time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell.
George smiled in delight at this prospect, but four rings later he pretended that he had to go out to get some cigarettes and staggered off to the watchman's tower. "Listen, old man," he wheezed to that worthy, "do me a favor, will you? For the rest of the night, ring that bell of yours at two-hour intervals instead of hourly!"
"Ah," replied the ancient watchman, fingering his mustache, "I would be happy to oblige, monsieur, but I cannot do this."
"Why not?" George demanded. "I'll give you money, if that's what's troubling you!"
"Not at all," the old man responded. "You see, a beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every half hour."

What I Want

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly. But what I came to buy is a new tie."

Oral Sex
A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall .After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."

The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."

The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement."What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."

NASCAR - Raleigh, NC

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to employ some local youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in the area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session,
not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds, they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Ernhart, Jr., for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Group Pull
A man drove too fast down a country lane and skidded on black ice into a ditch. Fortunately a farmer appeared moments later, leading a big black horse. When he saw the man's predicament, he offered to help. "If we tie the rope from the horse to the car I think old Bess here will be able to help it out".

So they tied the rope from the horse to the car and the farmer shouted, "Come on Starlight pull as hard as you can!" but the horse didn't move. The farmer then shouted, "Come on Silky, one, two, three pull" But still the horse didn't move, so for a third time the farmer yelled "OK, Dobbin pull now." Nothing happened. Then he called, "Go on Black Bess my beauty pull hard".

This time the horse took the strain and slowly pulled the car out of the ditch. The motorist was very thankful but also a little puzzled. "I hope you don't mind me asking" he said "But why did you call your horse by all the different names?"

"Well its like this," explained the farmer. "Old Black Bess is blind and stubborn. If she thought she was the only one pulling, she would never have bothered trying".

A Lot of Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only want- ed to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and tookt he check and cashed it in the store, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher ... "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won that case. The engineer was asleep and the fir eman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durn bull came home this morning!!"

Cartoons & Pictures

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Poetry
by Rachel

I think I know what drunks like

About being drunk.

It’s switching off the hard edge

Of the world. Looking at it through

Pink gauze. It’s reality bending those

Sharp points so they don’t hurt so much.

Having spent a very long time

Awake, I feel as a tiny bird would

Tip toeing to the edge of a ledge

Thinking, “Although flight must be

Impossible I might just take this

Opportunity to step off, now.”

The blackness is so quiet and compelling, and

While discovering if I can fly will terrorize me,

No one can be bored while stepping off a ledge,

Feeling the rush of risk,

Discovering the unknown.

April 10, 2005

A Picture

Conveyor

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SMILE
Rachel

Amazing Picture