Come This Way
A Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store."If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Careful Dialing!
"Hello?" she asks. "Do you have 'Hot Lips on a Moonlit Night'?"
He replies, "No, but I have hot nuts and an eight inch pipe."
She asks, "Is that a record?"
The man replied "Heck no but that's better than average."
Overcoming Boredom
A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored. "Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me," replied the blonde.
"What if I can't find you?" he answered, still bored.
"I'll be behind the piano," she said.
Methods of Mood Alteration
- two opened bags of potato chips,
- the last half of a lemon cream pie,
- half a bottle of Jose Cuervo,
- a small box of Godiva Chocolates,
- and slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.
I feel better than I have felt for a long time.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? [Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below.]
Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my subscriber list!
Clean Cup
Bob and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid into a booth, Bob wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. "No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee, too," Bob said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.
Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced, sternly. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
Country Humor
A traveling salesman was passing through the country side and stopped at a farm asking for some cool water. The old farmers wife invited him to sit in the shade of the porch with her and got him some cold lemonade.
They sat and talked for a while when suddenly a hen went running by with a rooster covered in a pair of coveralls chasing her.
The old farmer's wife told him "Well you see, some years ago we had a tornado come through here and hit the hen house. It killed all our chickens except for that rooster, but it plucked every feather off of him. Well I kind of felt sorry for him, seeing how as he did survive a tornado and I knitted him a pair of coveralls."
The salesman said, "Well that is just about the funniest thing I have ever seen."
To which the farmers wife replied, "You think that's funny, you ought to see that rooster hold a hen down with one leg and try to get those coveralls off with the other."
Comparative Literature
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life as a Conservative in the Fight' by Karl Rove. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $30.
Rove: Cost - $30.
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Rove: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.
Rove: The story of Karl and Dick their love of power and subsequent catastrophe.
Rove: Karl is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Rove: Karl enjoys his comrade Dick
Titanic: During the ordeal Rose's dress gets ruined.
Rove: Ditto for Karl and his pants.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Rove: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Rove: Karl and Dick bury their gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Rove: Karl and Dick don't remember Jack and rewrite the rest.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Rove: Ooh, let's not go there, either. It is Karl and Dick after all.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Rove: Karl and Dick go home to their wives; basically the same thing
IF
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on your when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited literacy and never correct him
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, sexual orientation, then my friend you are almost as good as your dog.
Justifiable Assault
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!'
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned,' All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
Everything clear?'
I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'
'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door.
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
"And that, Your Honor is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'
I get the idea that I should get another cat but from now on I'll read this first.
- You should take all the following steps to see if you are good enough to be owned by a cat.
- Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.
- Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
- Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
- Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.
- Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
- Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that’s where the cat will drag it anyway.
- Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting “No! No! Don’t chew on the electric cord!” Miss the end of the program.
- Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
- Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It’s going to get scratched anyway.
- Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.
- Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
- Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
- Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while it’s still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.
- Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.
- Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.
- Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2:00 a.m. and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
- Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.
Once you’ve done all this you passed the test and are ready to take on the furry critter!
Cartoons and Pictures
It made me laugh out loud, and I am ashamed! Moon River
Joe replied."Are you crazy?!!"
Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"
Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, "Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River."
Poetry
by Rachel
Awakening in the dark these days,
I brew coffee and read, sitting in
A big old chair passing time waiting
Those new day moments of promise
As daylight creeps across the sky.
Daylight appears in the mornings
Of everyone across the world and
I think of those others in small rooms
Waiting their daylight there as I
Greet my midnight here alone.
March 8, 2010
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Pictures
My grocery, 1st Prize Float, St. Patrick's Parade, 3/13/2010
Pipers, St. Patrick's Parade 3/13/2010, Louisville
Spring explosion of butterflies.
Storm over rush hour, Fri. 3/12/2010
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Have you been pushing that "Next Blog" button at the top of the page?
The exercise can be either the most boring or quite exciting thing you do during a break at work. Just a word of advice to bloggers who leave their pages open to a random discovery.
If you're going to set up a blog for which your child, husband, wife, dog or cat are the main subject, for Pete's sake make it invitation only. Why would I find 25 pictures of your kid doing things like crawling, sleeping, throwing up, interesting? If you caught your kid completing a 40 stage test of a brilliant equation, sure I'd like to see that. But an icing covered child destroying a birthday cake, not so much!
I come across blogs that have not been posted to for a year and the content of which is fascinating. What happens to fascinating people when they stop blogging?
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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