This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, "Woof! Woof!" The cat turned tail and ran.
With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. "Now, what's the lesson from that experience?"
"We don't know," the baby mice squeaked."It is this," said Mother Mouse. "It's always good to know a second language."
- Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Doing Something Nice for Dad
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Question: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, two days later the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to CHANGE the stupid light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!!!!
I'm sorry... what was the question...?
At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.
A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going.
Phil replied, "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."
Bad WeatherThis trucker had been driving his 18-wheeler for hours and he was hot and tired so he stopped at his favorite brothel he'd patronized for years.
Mabel answers the door and says, "Hey there Ed. What can I do for you."
Ed replies, "You know I've been trading here for twenty years and this time I'd like something different."
"Well" says Mabel, "We got Annie, Betty and Lucy - she takes it up the 'attic'".Mabel says, "Oh, I'll send Hurricane Jessie. She's new. Now you go on to your room."
Ed goes to his room and gets all prepared. Soon this big Amazon of a gal comes in and she's puffing and a blowing. She straddles old Ed and starts swinging back and forth, her big boobs just knocking the hell outta his head.
He cried, "What in the hell's going on?"
"I'm Hurricane Jessie and that's the coconuts falling off the coconut trees".
Pretty soon she starts pissing all over him and says this is the monsoon rains that come with the hurricane. Ed jumps off the bed and Hurricane Jessie says, "What's wrong honey, don't you like it?"
He said, "I'm leaving. Who in hell could fuck in this kind of weather?!"
Selling Ducks
In these days of recession, a family had trapped a few ducks. As they needed some things only money could buy, the father requested his three sons take a duck each and travel off trying to sell them. They agreed and headed off on separate ways.
The youngest of them knocked on the door of a nearby farm house and a shapely young blonde farm girl answered the door. "S'cuse me ma'am" said the guy. "I'm wunderin' if you'd be interested in buying this here duck frum me".
The women replied "I'd sure like me that plump duck to cook fur our supper, but I aint got no money to spare. How about a fuck for it?" she asked.The man didn't hesitate and replied "Sure!"
After they'd done the deal, the lonely farm girl said "If you fuck me again - ya can have the duck back".So he did, and afterwards headed off along the road with the duck still under his arm. Soon a large truck roared past the man which frightened the duck so much that it jumped out of his arms and right under the wheels where it was squashed.
The truck driver stopped and got out to speak with the man who explained that he was out trying to get money for his family by selling the duck.
The truck driver felt remorse and offered the guy a dollar for his trouble. The man agreed and headed for home with the money in his pocket.
That evening as they all gathered around the table, the father asked them how they did.
The first son replied "I done good pa, I got me three dollars fur my duck".
The second son replied "I done better 'n him pa, I got five dollars".
Then the third son leaned back in his chair showing a cheeky grin and said "I done better 'n all of you. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and a buck for a fucked up duck!".
He Didn't Understand
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. "Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit." "He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did."
"And then he said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.'
So here I am."
Killing Rats
John was out in the field talking with his friend Bob. Bob said, "John, you see that ole barn out there? Well man, it's completely infested with rats. I tried everything I know and can't get rid of them."
John says, "Bob, I know exactly how to get rid of them rats. You gotta get you one of them bull constriptors."
Bob say, "What's a bull constriptor?"
John explains, "Man, that's one of them big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallows them whole, all at once."
Well, the next day Bob went down to Klibert's Reptile Farm and bought him the biggest bull constripter they got. He brought that snake to the barn an let him loose right in the middle and just sat here and watched. Well, Bob was watching for a long time, I mean long, an there wasn't nothing happening. That big ole snake just curled up himself in the middle of that barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and them rats just run all around. So Bob got real frustrated and he called up John on the phone, "John, man thats some bad advice about that snake. Those rats are still running all around and that snake just lays there sleeping all day long."
John says, "Man, Bob, I know just what to do. Give that snake some Viagra."
Bob say, "What! Viagra! What's that gonna do?"
John says, "I was just listening to the radio and the man say that Viagra is the best thing to use for a 'reptile dysfunction' "!
Cartoons & Pictures
Letter of ResignationDear Sir,
This will confirm my resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills. I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk. Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.Please feel free to ignore me when you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good lie. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you also screwed her every time she appealed for salary increase. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.Yours sincerely,
Poetry
by Rachel
The morning she left was bright with sunshine, and
The rain didn't start here until almost 3 o'clock; and
Here was not there though, at least not there where
She was at 3 o'clock in the afternoon the day she left.
When leaving, when heading away from here, she
Did not leave a trail of vapor or memory, though
She thought about leaving as abandoning a trail of
Ash and confinement, as the very thing she left.
Some time later after the rain had stopped and the
Sky was changed from gray to robin's egg blue, again
He turned from the house and punched redial and upon
Asking about her condition she replied, "I am free!"
February 27, 2010
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A disclaimer will be sent to them and they will need to complete it and agree to the rules of the list. Thanks!Pictures
Stars over the barn.
Path on rails.
Suspect Drivers
Louisville Orchestra violinist on the way to play.
Dali Lama & President Barak Obama
The report is in. We had 24 inches of snow in Louisville Kentucky this winter and that was before we got up to an inch Saturday morning. By this time I am so used to snow that I no longer get up, see snow and immediately think of making chili or baking bread. Now days I see snow, dress for the weather and go out anyway! But really 24 inches of snow is enough!
Spring is inevitable. This inevitability is similar to taxes, laundry and death!
Do something surprising. Write a comment on this week's newsletter!
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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