The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast Table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
Now why would you want me to do something like that?" She asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
A doctor is doing the rounds of a maternity ward with the Sister. "And when is Mrs. Smith's baby due?" he asks the nun.
"The 5th of September," replies the woman.
"I see," says the doctor. "And how about Mrs. Jones?"
"She's due on the 5th also," replies the nun.
"And Mrs. Evans?" says the doctor.
"She's also due on the 5th," says the Sister.
"And, don't tell me Mrs. Brown is due on the 5th as well," says the doctor.
"I don't think so," replies the nun. "She didn't go on the church picnic."
Most men's erections are five and a half to six inches long.
Although men's penis sizes tend to vary greatly when they're soft, the smaller ones expand more when erect than the larger ones
70 percent of married men and women stimulate themselves
Researchers claim that 9% of college students have engaged in a golden shower
Erotic asphyxiation is said to cause over 1,000 deaths each year
Most men thrust 60-120 times during intercourse
3% of adult Americans have never had sex
1% of the adult female population are able to achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation
One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a church.
She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.
She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."
"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.
"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.
But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's right momma, fuck 'em all."
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said,
"I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, It's not very absorbent and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I said, "Well, It's not very absorbent and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Kitty: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.
Becky: What makes you think so?
Kitty: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up and headed for the bedroom.
Becky: So?
Kitty: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I don't know. Does that cost extra?"
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
Advice: I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet... he said "postage dew".
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
A Good Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level.- Stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.
Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.
Just In Case You Were Feeling Old Today
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1992.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been micro waved .
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?',
'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ' or
'de plane Boss, de plane'.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
On this particular day the husband has a bad feeling his wife is cheating on him, so he decides to come home early. Sure enough as he pulls up, there's a strange car out the front. He pushes the front door open, when he hears his wife puffing and panting upstairs. So he bounds up there. There on the bed is his wife with her legs wide open, unaware of his presence and the window wide open. As the husband looks out he sees a man running up the street doing his pants up.
He is so out raged that he picks up the nearest thing, which is the wardrobe and throws it at the bloke running down the street. Well, the bloke dies instantly, now the husband suddenly realizes the extent of what he's done, has a heart attack and dies.
When he gets to the pearly gates of heaven, he meets two other men. He turns to the first one and says, "How did you die?" "Well" says the first one "I was late for work and I was running down the street still half dressed and doing my pants up, when some cunt threw a fucking
wardrobe at me! How did you die?"
The husband replies "I was coming home from work early cause I knew my wife was cheating on me, so I went up to our room and sure enough she was spread eagled and he was running up the road doing his pants up so I threw a wardrobe at him, had an attack of conscience and bloody died of a heart attack!"
They both turn to the third guy and ask "How did you die?" the third one replies "I was sleeping with some guys wife when the asshole husband came home, so I hid in the wardrobe and some cunt threw it out the window!
Try this when the snow leaves and it's warm!
The Lounge Lizard
There's something about being on his stomach that makes everything your man feels much more intense. Perhaps it's the increased blood flow caused by gravity.
Here's What You Need
One webbed patio lounge chair
Two pillows
One roll of masking tape
Here's How You Do It
Adjust the back of the lounge chair so that it lays flat (if it won't go down all the way, don't worry about it; we'll fix that in a second).
Place the pillows directly under the chair, lengthwise.
Pull the center-most straps apart and, using the masking tape, affix them to the next-closest straps. This creates an opening in the chair about four or five inches wide.
Get your man naked. Have him lie in the chair on his stomach. If the chair is flat, he can lie with his head in either direction. If the back of the chair is still at a bit of an angle, have him lie with his head at the other end (his knees can easily bend where the back of the chair starts to rise and his feet will rest where one's head would normally go).
Your man's penis should now be dangling through the opening.
Get under the chair and lie on your back on top of the pillows. Position your mouth directly under your man's penis. Grip the outermost edges of the chair and pull yourself up and pleasure your man orally.
Mike and Sam are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.- Sam says to Mike, "So listen, Mike, you know I don't swim so well."
Mike remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Sam toward shore.- After ten minutes, he begins to tire.- Finally about 100 feet from shore, Mike asks Sam, So Sam, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Sam replies, "Mike, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
A little old lady was selling seashells On a street corner.- One afternoon a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm.- "How about some nice seashells?" She asked.
Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement shaking, "What's wrong?" asked the man.
"I'm going fast," the old woman wheezed.- "Please buy some shells."
Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut.
The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.- "Hey," he yelled to a nearby police officer, "I thought she passed away yesterday."
The officer smiled knowingly.- "Ah, but you were conned," he said "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."
Pictures Cartoons
Quotes
There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them. - Casey StengelIt’s a kind of theater. Sometimes, a car will fly by in the air. - Juma Gul, who works beside a mountainous stretch of the Afghan national highway that is famous for accidents.
Anything you put in that book, any little change you make, has huge implications not only for psychiatry but for pharmaceutical marketing, research, for the legal system, for who’s considered to be normal or not, for who’s considered disabled. - Dr. Michael First, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia, on proposed changes to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Iraq is like a sick person. All its organs are ailing. - Ayad-Al-Samarrai, speaker of the Parliament
I think Congress and the Senate need to be completely revamped. The old way of doing things is no longer working. - Michael Wish, a Democrat from Medina, Ohio.
I am lost, and I rejoice in the openness I cannot decide where to go, so for now, I will dance where I am and be. There is no goal, no destination, just wilderness and life and being. I sing and dance and live in the wilderness, and I am home. - Tziporah
The dance is a poem of which each movement is a world. - Mata Hari
Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing? - Jay Leno
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music. - Angela Monet
No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the sources of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. --P. J. O'Rourke
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. --P. J. O'Rourke
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
Judge not, lest ye be judged judgmental. - Florence King
I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell. - Harry S. Truman
America will never be destroyed from the outside.- If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves. - Abraham Lincoln
I hadn’t been that nervous to be in a bobsled my entire life, even my first time down in a sled. - Steve Mesler, an American bobsledder, about taking his first run on the track used in the Winter Olympics, where speeds exceed 90 miles an hour.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart.- It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. - Judy Garland
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Poetry
by Rachel
The second man in this town froze to death
Last night, within a mile of his home.
No one knows why he was on the porch
Of a house being remodeled after a fire.
Days ago a man was found within feet
Of his truck by the garbage men, dead.
It is thought he was looking for things
From the dumpster he could sell; junk.
All the local news media ran the stories
Endlessly telling us urgently that if we go
Out into the elements at this time, don't
Go alone and wear many layers, to live.
This is Kentucky. No one can think a person
With a warm dry home would die from the
Elements in February, but I can see it, for
Sometimes it is reasonable to just go to sleep.
February 13, 2010
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A Picture
Kentucky Historical Society in Frankfort
Washington DC
Owen County Ky view toward the Kentucky River from orchard
Garden of Geseme Israel
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Rachel
Amazing Picture
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