Skilled Saleswoman
A young woman meets her old, retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying.
"What's the matter child?" he asks.
"Oh, Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend. He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic."
"There, there child. Here's what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That'll bring him around."
"Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks. "Yes, Father."
"Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem. He was so taken by it that he's now studying to be a priest."
The Sentence is Improper - 1234
For his 80th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to an elderly medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have the absolute cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what type of hokey pokey was in store.
The medicine man told him, "When you take this, say 1-2-3 & you will be ready."
As the man walked away, miracle in hand, he asked, "How do I stop this from working?"
"Your partner must say "1-2-3-4". When she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon", he replied.
The man was very eager to see if the stuff worked so he went home, showered, shaved, doused himself in cologne & took a spoonful of the miracle medicine, then called his wife into the bedroom. When his wife came in, he said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began ripping off her clothes, when she suddenly asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for ?"
Which is why it is improper to end a sentence with a preposition, because you could find yourself with a dangling participle.
Tom, who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied on an outpost in Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife," Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!'
And with that he dropped his pants and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Now watch," he said. Next he said," Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said," Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again."Wow, that was amazing, "said his wife." Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? Its really something else!"
Tom responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking blond with big tits and tight jeans, who got this guys full attention!
"Joanie, this is my husband Tom, he has something to demonstrate." After a brief pause to take her in, he drops his pants and said," Now watch this." Then he said" Dick, ten-HUT!" And the dick sprang to life. Then it was" Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said," Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened. So the guy now says," For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch,
I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom.
His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating. "What in the world are you doing?" She asked.
The guy says," I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
Trust Me, I'm The Doctor
A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town.
After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm.
"Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?" asked the man.
"Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," said the doctor.
When he saw a puzzled look cross the man's face, the doctor said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie.
"Drop your pants, and bend over," says the doctor.
"What?" says the man.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!" screams the man.
"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. "Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.
"This again?" yells the man.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over.
SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!" says the man.
"Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. "Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie," says the doctor.
As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says, "Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer." As the man turns pale the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick.
So far the treatments haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor. The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer.
"But, why do we need a hammer?" asks the man nervously.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Please!" says the man, terrified of what is to come next.
"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear and yells, "Where's my lemon cookie?!"
And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.
Bus Problem
A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Animal Sex
A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.
The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out. The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"
The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had."
The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"
The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run 10 miles!"
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
Quivering
A baker hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the bakery, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder, "Why this unusual interest in the raisin bread?"Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the geezer, "Is it raisin for you, too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quiverin' a little!"
For many years, the dog was happy. But over time, he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression. Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
-----
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
Pictures and Cartoons
Quotes
We can’t be just about saying no. But we have not completed the transition yet from defeated incumbent party. We have to position ourselves as an alternative and create enthusiasm for our positions. - Christopher C. Healy, the chairman of the Connecticut Republican Party.
It captured on tape the deaths of four people in an uncontrolled acceleration where the driver was an experienced highway patrol officer. If he couldn’t bring the car under control, who could? - Clarence M. Ditlow, executive director of the Center for Auto Safety in Washington, on a fatal crash that raised awareness about problems with many Toyota models.
No matter how I look at the issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens. - Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, calling for an end to the “don’t ask, don’t tell”
We’ve opened up a communication channel with this technique, but in some ways it’s like a very bad cellphone connection. - Dr. Joseph J Fins, chief of the medical ethics division at Weill Cornell Medical College, on a study that found brain activity in a patient thought to be in a vegetative state.
Philanthropy is commendable, but it must not cause the philanthropist to overlook the circumstances of economic injustice which make philanthropy necessary." Martin Luther King Jr.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx
For a dinosaur scientist, this is like the birth of color TV. - Luis M. Chiappe, a paleontologist, on the latest research on the color of dinosaurs.
I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth. - Carl Sandburg
Mockingbird don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird. - Harper Lee
We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting laundry. - E. B. White
Slowly and painfully we are seeing worldwide acceptance of the fact that the wealthier and more technologically advanced countries have a responsibility to help the undeveloped ones...Not only through a sense of charity, but also because only in this way can we ever hope to see any permanent peace and security for ourselves. - Sir Edmund Hillary.
Rachel's Newsletter content is regularly taken from the following places and e.mails from the following subscribers. The original source of their stuff is impossible to determine. Rachel
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by Rachel
Six years this spring
We found each other
In the great void of life
All seemed as it had
Back then.
This is winter and
It is cold between us
Not unlike the air outside
This window I look thinking
Of you.
January 6, 2002
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A Picture
Bridle path at Mel & Viv's place in the country
Roweheim
Churchill Downs in winter 2010
Kentucky River, long ago.
Newburg Road Louisville, 1920
Saturday morning
Washington 2010
Whew what a ride! Publishing on Blogspot is an "interesting" exercise.
I'm a data maven, not a web maven. After almost 13 years of training in publishing an e.mail newsletter, making it look anything like it did on AOL is challenging. It takes four times as long and even after I set up the words and pictures, and save them, when I open the document again everything has shifted and the type styles and sizes have changed.
Make comments, please. Be patient. I'm hopeful things will improve.
Rachel
Amazing Picture
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