Rachel's Newsletter Copyright 2011 by RachelNewsNotes.aol.com. All rights reserved.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

 

It's Lent
It was the eve of their honeymoon, and Clara and George were settled into a cabin in the woods. Clara slipped into a sheer nightgown and crawled into bed, but George seemed to be preparing to sleep on the couch.
"George, darling, what are you doing on the couch? Aren't you going to make love to me?"
"No, dear, not tonight," he replied sadly.
"But why not?" she cried.
"I can't, dear, because it's Lent."
"Oh," sobbed Clara, "That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard! To whom and for how long?"
Something in Mind
'The American strode into a department store in Paris, France and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the array of lacy under things and the sales lady bustled over to him.
"Do you have something in mind?" she asked.
"I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied. "That's why I want a nice gift."
You're on an plane seated next to a real jerk
(This is hilarious!)
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments. Open them and then look up to the sky.7. Breathe deeply and open the site
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face. Priceless!!!!
Happy Ending
My dinner party was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy.
"In the end," the salesman concluded, "You know who got all the money."
I cringed.
"The lawyers!" he shouted.
There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I love a story with a happy ending."


Unfair Trade
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, he burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
Top 10 Online Lies
10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".
9. "You're different. I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."
8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile, but tell me more about you."
7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"
6. "Yes of course I'm female."
5. "No this is my only screen name. You mean you can have more then one?"
4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!"Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out"
3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)
2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts" (Which is true,
except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type")
1. "Tonight my love our souls have touched.
[Back when AOL was the best online service, I personally heard every one of these lines!]
Loosing the Weight
Walter was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual physical going over a few fine points about his health with his doctor.
The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high, you know Walter, you need to watch your diet and lose a little weight."
"But doc, I'm losing weight more and more each day."
"Oh really? How are you doing it?" asked the doctor.
"Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have a snack around 3:00. Just today I had breakfast at 7:30, waited 2 hours, had a snack at 9:30 then I waited an hour and a half and ate lunch at 11:00, then I waited 45 minutes and had a snack before coming here."
"And with this regiment you're losing weight?" asked the doctor.
"Yeah," Walter said excitedly. "More meals and less wait!"
Ah, Wrong Choice
Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle. Bubba stopped to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road. Soon after, Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had happened.
"Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and told me to take whatever I wanted. I chose the bicycle."
Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right choice, cuz them panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Out of the Mouth of a Child

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. 'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
"'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.'
Fakes Her Orgasms
[this sounds like work to me]
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they would discover she has been all along, and they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, here is a checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" She was faking it.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmm, you were wonderful, baby" She is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.
However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
Killing Your Wife
[This sounds like work to me.]

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments; lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."
The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight, and looked terrible.
The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened???"
The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."

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Poetry
by Rachel
Yesterday afternoon, you kissed me.
Not the chaste sister leaving a brother kiss
as you had left me with, in the past,
But a full on the lips, no hug involved kiss.

I wanted in that second to lead you to somewhere
we could sit and cuddle and kiss for hours,
or lead you to bed where I could tempt you
to pierce me with yourself.

Instead I turned away, and followed you
out the door, down the steps to close
the lid on my truck, remind you your garage
sale finds were still on the seat.

Watching you through the side view mirror,
I saw you turn away and walk up the steps
to the front door, and not stopping as you often did,
to wave. You closed the door.
April 17, 2004
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A Picture
Viv is a Snow Angel
Truck Parked
Ohio River 1977
Louisville from Indiana
The Tomato Wins!
Celebrity Excitement

I drove around my part of town today. The snow is still piled up in shovel created drifts along the walks and roads. Everything else is bare without cover, a little wet from the rivets of water running out of the snow hills. In bright sunshine without wind we won't have any snow around by Monday.

This freedom is one that feels brand new to me. I've been pretty much confined to the house for these past weeks. I'm not alone in this either. Louisville is a northern southern city but people here are friendly. Today there were more smiles from those waiting for a light and the people I passed walking into church. It's just the realization that spring really is just a few weeks away and the Derby will be run in ten weeks!
Amazing Picture

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