FIRST, go to the bottom of newsletter and read my Notes!
In this editon, re-publication of the Kinky Story Contest winning story.
Quickies
One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.
His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."
Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Trustworthy.
Excuse
A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar. He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the door by his wife. She was madder than heck and wanted to know where he had been all night.
He said, "I have been bird watching!"
She said, "Bull sh*t! What kind of bird is out at this time of night for you to watch??"
He said, "A double-breasted, red-headed, mattress thrasher!"
Make It Clear
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh ... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
The Up Side of Illness
A woman had suffered for a week from a really nasty virus and it left her feeling completely wiped out. On the first day that she could crawl out of bed she discovered a "silver lining." Pulling on a pair of jeans she called out to her husband, "These jeans fit! They finally fit!"
"That's great" the husband replied, "but they're mine."
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the community leader took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. "Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed community leader replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the lady of the night, replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
Mental Evaluation
A blonde is working in a mental hospital. Her first night on the job, she visits her first patient. She sees the woman knitting, and asks her what she's doing.
The woman replies, "I'm knitting socks, so when I get out of here, my feet will stay warm."
The blonde replies, "That's nice," and goes to see her next patient. Upon entering his room, the blonde sees him knitting, and asks what he's doing.
The man replies, "I'm knitting a blanket so I can stay warm when I get out of here."
She replies, "That's nice," and continues to the third patient, who is lying on his bed, with a walnut on top of his dick. Shocked she asks him, "Sir, what the hell are you doing?"
He replies, "I'm never getting out of here, I'm fucking nuts!"
Tiger Attack! A Proud Man
Bob and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bob didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bob hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bob lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
Bob and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bob didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bob hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bob lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bob, what in the world happened to you?'
Bob replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bob said, 'you know Judy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the black-jack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.
After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"
Incentives for the Baptist Preacher
There is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Brother William (Bubba) Scoles, who owns several car dealer-ships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"
The congregation amens, and applauds.
Brother Billy Bob Tindall, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More amens and applause.
Sister Ella May Rouse, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him sex!"
There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Sister Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sister Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the preacher.'"
A Sperm's Tale
Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm questioned Stanley and asked why he exercised all day.
Stanley explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant, and when the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!"
A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter and hotter. They knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they were released abruptly and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead of all the others.
Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he hollered, "It's a blow job!"
The Straggly Cat
One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.
The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is"
Opps
The man thinks for a moment, takes the money, and directs the sailor to one of the upstairs rooms. Once inside the room the sailor looks around but the only thing he sees is a chicken.
The man thinks for a moment, takes the money, and directs the sailor to one of the upstairs rooms. Once inside the room the sailor looks around but the only thing he sees is a chicken.
Desperate for some action, he resigns himself to fuck the chicken and quickly leaves.
Two weeks later, he returns, this time having won a few bucks on ship. "What do you have for $20," he asks. The man directs him upstairs once again to a different room.
Opening the door, the room is packed with men shoulder to shoulder all watching lesbians through a one-way mirror on the wall. The sailor's eyes light up as he watches and remarking to a man standing next to him, "This is great."
The man replies, "If you think this is great, you should have been here 2 weeks ago. There was a guy fucking a chicken!"
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.
Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.
Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too.
In The Pub Toilet
A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.
A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.
To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?" the muscular man asks.
"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.
"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy.
"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"
A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.
To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I'm going to do with this very large & strong cock?" the muscular man asks.
"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.
"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy.
"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A
Cyber Affair
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass
1. Lipstick on the mouse.
Pictures & Cartoons
Quotes
With Peyton Manning, you can’t disrupt his rhythm, he’s going to kill you. - Coach Rex Ryan, on the quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, who threw three touchdown passes to end the Jets’ run to the Super Bowl.
Reality continues to ruin my life. - Bill Watterson, American cartoonist of Calvin & Hobbes.
At the time, it looked like a sound investment. - Clark McKinley, a spokesman for Calpers, a California pension fund that bought a $500 million stake in the $5.4 billion deal for Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village, which has collapsed.
Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul. - Gen. Douglas MacArthur
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. - J.K. Rowling
So tell me Jimmy, what made you decide to start a Soul band in Dublin? - Jimmy Rabbitte
But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time. - Mitch Albom
The Taliban have been trying to destroy our tribe, and they are taking money from us, and they are taking our sons to fight. If they defy us now, we will defeat them. - Malik Niaz, an elder of a large Pashtun tribe in Afghanistan, which has agreed to support the government.
I hope to hell that when I do die somebody had the sense to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a … cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday and all that crap. - J. D. Salinger.
In order to dance, you need a dance partner and there ain’t no partner out there. - Sen. Bernie Sanders, of Vermont, on prospects or bipartisanship.
You Know You Were From
Louisville If: You still refer to the Bashford Manor Mall and it has been gone for 7 Years.
Your 'International' airport has only one passenger flight that actually leaves the 48 contiguous U.S. States and is also the size of an average mall
The in-state sports rivalry is paid more attention to than the national championship.
You live in an area that occasionally gets considerable snowfalls, floods, and tornadoes but has no capacity to deal with any of the above.
You pronounce the name of your city different than anyone else you've heard.
When you think “Kentucky” you don't automatically think horse racing or fried chicken.
You ask your doctor for an allergy cure and he tells you to 'move'.
You've shoveled 10 plus inches of snow and worn shorts in the same week.
When people ask what school you went to, they don't mean Vanderbilt, Yale, or Harvard; they mean Ballard, Male, Manual, Trinity or St. X.
You know what the Bambi Walk is.
Your last ten vacations were in Panama City, Delray Beach or Destin.
You make an emergency run to Kroger for bread and milk at the first sighting of a snowflake.
You've lived here for years, yet somehow you get hopelessly lost each time you attempt a shortcut through Cherokee Park.
You hold up traffic to let a motorist you don't know into your lane.
You give directions based on landmarks that no longer exist but Louisvillians don't get lost.
You have never been to the Derby, but wouldn't miss the Oaks.
You call in sick to go to the Oaks and your boss at the next betting window.
You think all the REAL hicks live in New Albany IN.
You think the only thing Southern Indiana is good for is buying pumpkins.
When introduced to another life-long Louisvillian, you spend the first part of the conversation finding out how you are connected. It's never as many as six degrees of separation - usually three will do it.
You've built a shrine to Rick Pitino in your basement. You can read about Rick Pitino in at least three different sections of your newspaper. [This year that includes court reports.]
You think the rest of the world knows what Benedictine spread is.
You think the rest of the world knows what a Hot Brown is.
You have never eaten fish that wasn't fried.
You think the whole world puts spaghetti in chili.
You want another bridge built over the Ohio in theory, just not through YOUR neighborhood.
You've experienced a 'salt storm' after a two-inch snowfall.
Rachel's Newsletter
Kinky Story Contest 2010
Winner: Gared03@aol.com
Sister Act
Jeanette was not pleased that her little brother Edgar was home that weekend from the University. She had been so happy when he left for State and did not lurk around the house any more – he was creepy and geeky, and though only a year younger at 21, they had never been close. When not into computers, electronics, and role playing games, he had always made a general nuisance of himself around her more ‘grown-up’ circle of friends. She was somewhat surprised that he had managed to join a fraternity this year, since he did not seem that social. He had already wasted a couple years switching majors while living in the dorm and was one of the oldest pledges at the frat house
With the house to herself after she got home from her local college during weekday afternoons – both her Mom and Dad worked - she could do as she pleased, often shedding her clothes and walking around nude. She would get a small thrill walking through the living room with the large picture window, where she just might be seen from the street, then going to her bedroom, fingering herself, and then using her vibrator to come. She could shout all she wanted as she reached climax, since nobody could hear.
She knew her brother was in his room, and was surprised to hear his knock on the door after their parents had left to go shopping. ‘Hey, big sister, I have something on my computer I think you’d want to see.’
She had not been in his room for years, never unless invited, and as she stepped in was not surprised to see how messy it remained – her parents, she felt, always had favored Edgar and allowed him to keep his room as he left it, even though he was seldom there anymore. She was not at all surprised to see a porn clip playing on his computer screen. As she got closer, she recognized the bed in the clip, and the vibrator, and her hand fondling her breasts while the other ran the vibrator over her clit and in her pussy. Her brother must have planted a camera in her room.
He grabbed her wrist as she tried to swing her hand to slap him and said, ‘You bastard, erase that clip and give me the camera so I can get it off the disk.’
‘Oh, I don’t think so, Sis. I have copies, and I can publish them all over the Net, even send some through an anonymous cut-out to Dad’s e-mail address. I don’t think you’d want that. My fraternity brothers get to see them, but only through a password account I control. You’re actually a very popular girl at State.’
Her face reddened, though she actually felt a bit of titillation at the idea of others watching her masturbate. She still did not like the sneakiness of her brother. ‘So, what now?’ she asked.
‘Nothing, really, for now, but I’d appreciate more imagination with your solo sessions. It’s kinda monotonous. Check some porn sites and learn to show off that nice ass of yours some more, along with those boobs.’
Jeanette decided that she had little choice but to go along with her brother’s demands. She was her parents’ pure little princess, and if they saw those clips…she shuddered.
-----
The next Tuesday, after getting home from classes, she again went through her routine, parading through the living room past the picture window in the altogether, feeling her nipples tingle, then went to her room. She assumed the camera was triggered by motion, having seen how it had been placed unnoticed on her bookshelf. She took out some body lotion, slowly smoothed it over her body, turned so there would be a good shot of her ass, then got on the bed on her knees to give a full rear view. Turning over, she spread her legs – she had already shaved her pussy earlier – and started playing with her clit. The thought that bunches of young men at the fraternity would view her actions excited her further, and she hardly needed the vibrator to make her come; which she did again and again, screeching with her final climax. The following Saturday, her brother was back, and again, they were talking in his room. ‘You have no idea how popular you have become around the frat house. I want you to come up next weekend, so the guys can see you in the, you know, flesh.’ He said. She again appeared shocked, but agreed, not letting him have the satisfaction of knowing that the idea sounded, well, a bit exciting.
‘OK, but no sex. No rough stuff. I do not want to be fucked by any of your friends.’
The following Saturday, her brother came to pick her up. They told their parents that the fraternity was having a party, and she wanted to meet some of his friends. Her Mom and dad were pleased, since the longstanding sibling rivalry had bothered them for years. It was nice that Jeanette would meet some of Edgar’s friends.
As they drove up, Edgar explained the scene. There was a beer blast starting at nine, with girls from the nearby sorority invited over. To set the scene, there would be several monitors playing clips of Jeanette playing with herself, looped in sequence, then she would make her entrance.
At eleven PM, Jeanette walked onto the floor. She was nude, wearing light makeup, some powder on her boobs, and the dim lighting obscured the stubble starting to show on her shaved pussy. The students turned and stared as she walked through the crowd – some of the sorority girls were wearing low-cut outfits, but her nudity was quite a surprise. She could see Edgar’s fraternity brothers patting him on the back, and heard one saying, ‘so she is really someone you know and not a porn star whose flicks you clipped.’ They didn’t know she was his sister.
Walking among the crowd, she felt her nipples harden, thinking of the rest of the plans for the evening. She ignored the few pats on her behind from the guys, though she didn’t mind, but was really surprised when one of the girls pressed close, kissed her, and fondled her pussy. She backed off – exhibitionism was fun, but she wasn’t into girls.
At midnight, the fraternity leader clapped his hands and called for attention. ‘In honor of our cute visitor, we’re having bukkake, tonight. All the pledges will line up and jack off on the vibrator lady.’
Having been clued in by her brother, Jeanette was not surprised, and moved to the center of the floor as the crowd made space. The pledges had to strip and formed a line. The music became loud and the other frat boys laughed and the girls giggled as the pledges came to the head of the line and struggled to come in front of everyone. Jeanette flushed, and became excited as she used the vibrator to come again and again, her excitement helping the boys along, with a cheer going up as each came and dripped semen over her breasts and face. As the end of the line neared, she saw Edgar in the crowd, looking pleased with himself. She knew that this episode would make him popular among the other guys. Although she still didn’t like him that much, she actually enjoyed all the attention she was getting.
‘Hey, one more pledge,’ one of the older boys said, pointing to Edgar. This time it was Edgar’s turn to redden, and playing along, Jeanette motioned for him to come closer, being amused at his discomfort. Two of the boys grabbed him and pulled off his clothes, and told him that now it was his turn. With his face still red, he stood near semen-covered Jeanette and stared, his prick at half-mast. She smiled, knowing that now she had the power, and looked into his eyes while playing with her breasts.
‘C’mon, honey,’ she said loudly, standing up, turning, and wiggling her ass to the music. The crowd cheered and Edgar’s dick began stiffening. Jeanette loved being the center of the action, and she came again easily as she slipped her fingers up her pussy and knelt in front of her brother. She expected him to jack off, but he stood there frozen, since he had not planned on being part of the action and had what amounted to stage fright. With his dick almost staring her in the face and the guys starting to make fun of Edgar, Jeanette did what she thought was the only reasonable thing, and took his prick into her mouth, while cupping her hand under his balls. Moving to the rhythm of the music, she sucked softly, feeling the head of his prick engorge as she ran her tongue up and down his shaft. Tasting his pre-cum on her lips, she pulled his dick out of her mouth just before he came, spurting large gobs of semen onto her forehead and cheeks to the applause of the crowd.
Driving back home the next day, her brother said that the party had been a huge success, that she could have the clips back, and he would shut off the camera. She thought a while, and said that would be nice, but she didn’t mind performing, and when was the next party?
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Iroquois Park mushroom
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This week has been cold in Kentucky. Friday night we finally got about 1 inch of snow in Louisville; promised since Monday and ranging from a prediction of 9 inches to a dusting. Those south of here got more snow, but isn't it just like it for a gal to be promised 9 inches and only get one? :o)
I have published this Sunday's Newsletter edition through Blogger.com. The Newsletter is a blog now! I also published the 17th and 24th editions here. I had made them in a timely manner but was unable to send them through AOL [or any other e.mail service]. Perhaps this method will work until I can afford a domain name and web hosting.
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Amazing Pictures
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