Important Instructions
John related to his doctor, "It has been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable."

His doctor questioned, "Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?"

"I sure did!" answered John. "The bottle said, 'Keep Tightly Closed'."

Dinner & a Movie
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." He said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Virus
One of our geeks was at my computer adjusting some settings, so I took the opportunity to ask him a question. "With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"

He kept working, but without missing a beat, he said, "It will burn when you pee."

Art Investment
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.   "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Coming and Going
The rescue squad was called to the home of a couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died. While consoling the woman one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

Advertising
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as famous Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

You're a Redneck When
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.

Sex with a Mom and Daughter
At a club last night, I got talking to a really attractive 60-year-old.

I found myself thinking..... I bet she's got a really hot daughter. We shared a bottle of wine, then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportman's Double?".

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh!" I said, as my mind embraced the idea. "No, I haven't,"

I replied, wondering what her daughter might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink, then it's "Your Lucky Night."

Arriving back to her place, she switched the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom, are you still awake?"

Terms for Masturbation

5 Digit Disco

Buzzing the honey hole

Backslappin' Betty

Bailing out the Gravy Boat

Beaver bashin'

Bouncing the bearded clam

Buffing the box

Buffing the jewel

Buttering up the whisker biscuit

Clam twiddlin' jamboree

Critter crammin'

Damming the beaver

Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone

Diddling miss daisy

Diggin' for clams

Digitis Erectus

Fingering the fountain

Flicking the minnow

Friday night lip service

Frosting the muffin of love

Giving yourself the finger

Going for the gooey duct

Impeaching Bush

Juicing the clam

Let your fingers do the walking

Lip smacking

Menage a'moi

Petting the kitty

Piddly Diddler

Playing the squeezebox

Pokin' the pie

Polishing the little pink pearl

Pumping the kooter

Punchin' the chipmunk

Reading in Braille

Riding the clitoris-sauras

Romancing thy own

Roughing up the suspect

Self-guided tuna boat tour

Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose

Spanking Lucy

Stroking the newt

Ticklin' the taco

Tissue tickling

Twirling the pearl

Unbuttoning the fur coat

Warming the wrist rocket

10 Ways to Know if You've had Wild Sex
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 5.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bedsprings.
6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Addicted To Cigars
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which the treated cigar is."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did.

But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

Cartoons and Ironic things at the bottom.  :o)

Appropriate Gospel Song
A Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
 
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
 
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
 
Sermon complete, he sat down.
 
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River."

A Pattern
Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting he could not get her out of his mind. After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife. "What should I do?" asked Jake.
 
The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue."

There's Always Good News
"I have good news and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"What do you want first?"

The patient thought and said, "the bad news."

The doctor said solemnly, "you have three weeks to live."

"Oh, shit!" exclaimed the patient, "then what the hell's the good news?"

The doctor smiled. "See that pretty blond nurse over there with the long legs and the big tits - In about an hour or so, I will be fucking her brains out!"

Replacement
A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster and killed it. He decided that he should go and tell the farmer, so he got out of his car and walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door and knocked. The farmer came to the door and the man said "I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him".

The farmer said "Help yourself, the hens are out in the back"

It's Time to go to School
One early morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"


Son: "But why Mom? I don't want to go."


Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."


Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"


Mom: "Oh, that's no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."


Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."


Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Reasons, as Though You Needed a Reason
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 2-3 times a week you are less likely to get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women who don't have sex.

4) Makes you look better. Sex releases hormones which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 2-3 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.

6) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!

Cartoons, Political Humor and Irony

Amazing Picture

Goto bottom of page for cartoons, irony humor.  :o)

Appropriate Gospel Song
A Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down..

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River."

A Pattern
Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting he could not get her out of his mind. After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife. "What should I do?" asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue."

There's Always Good News
"I have good news and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"What do you want first?"

The patient thought and said, "the bad news."

The doctor said solemnly, "you have three weeks to live."

"Oh, shit!" exclaimed the patient, "then what the hell's the good news?"

The doctor smiled. "See that pretty blond nurse over there with the long legs and the big tits - In about an hour or so, I will be fucking her brains out!"

Replacement
A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster and killed it. He decided that he should go and tell the farmer, so he got out of his car and walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door and knocked. The farmer came to the door and the man said "I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him".

The farmer said "Help yourself, the hens are out in the back".

It's Time to go to School
One early morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

Son: "But why Mom? I don't want to go."

Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

Mom: "Oh, that's no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Reasons, as Though You Needed a Reason
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 2-3 times a week you are less likely to get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women who don't have sex.

4) Makes you look better. Sex releases hormones which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 2-3 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.

6) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!

Cartoons and Funny Pictures

It does not explain why others have a full head of hair.

Political Irony and Humor

Amazing Picture