A long married couple are sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
Doug replies, "Sorry Bob, I have to go to the drugstore to pick up a 'patch' prescription for my wife. She's quitting smoking today."
"Oh okay, well, good luck to her!" Bob said.
"Yeah, well it is really lucky me," grinned Doug. "I told her to let me know any time she has an urge to put something in her mouth to suck on."
Learning Symbolism
An area minister tells of his first Sunday in the new church and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
What a Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating''
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.'
My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!''
"What a coincidence,' says the man.'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?''
I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Judi and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and became bored.
"Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"
"I'll be behind the piano."
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition he read it with trembling hands.
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercing, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it is not only that, I'm pregnant and Bubba said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that is one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Bubba gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money, Bubba has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Joey make in their basement.
Apparently I can earn $50 a scene and I get a $50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra $100 if they use a horse. Don't worry Mum, now I'm 17 years old I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Aimee
Old Joke, New Version
This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him.
The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.
So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding. Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that t he nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his left hand amputated.
Sadly, the guy lets his hand be amputated. Months later, the man still has the problem. He goes to another specialist who informs him that the cause is a rare blood disease and that the man only has a few months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe.
However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck."No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15- inch neck."
"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
"What?"
"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."
Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing.
Your firehouse has wheels.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a bonfire, swapping fish stories and drinking.
You've ever let someone's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their property.
You don't own a Dalmatian, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
You've walked through a Christmas display and came up with at least three new ideas for the lighting scheme on your fire truck.
Your engine had to be towed in the last parade through town.
Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
Your defibrillator is a pair of jumper cables and a marine battery.
Your pumper truck has been *on* fire more times than it's been *to* a fire.
Cartoons & Pictures
Things Overheard at the Health Clinic
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for STD's. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on. My face stunk and my dick hurt."
"My last period looked like meat."
"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
"I got the dripper."
"I have food chunks in my urine."
"Had sex with my daughter's fiance and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."
"Can you put the swab in further?!"
"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
"The seam in my circumcision split open."
"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."
"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."
"From the looks of my penis, I believe them women are sucking the adrenaline out of me."
"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"
"My pee smells like ham."
Poetry
by Rachel
Cantaloupe if ripened perfectly,
Can be peeled and sliced quickly
Bringing all its sweet juicy orange
Colored flesh into my mouth.
The farm I grew up on had a
Large garden and most years
My mother planted cantaloupe seeds
Ending up with hundreds in July.
She gave them to neighbors, and
Forced a few on anyone who visited
For any reason. I noticed the feed
Salesman began expecting them.
When I left home and moved to
The city, cantaloupes were one fruit
I avoided at the local A&P.
I didn’t want to think of their taste.
One afternoon you brought me one.
I watched your mouth crush the pulp, and
Sweet clear juice run on your chin.
Cantaloupes are food for lust now.
May 8, 2005
All copy and graphic elements in this Newsletter have been snagged from unattributed sources for the most part. When there is an identifying tag, attribution is noted. RachelNewsNotes@aol.com . Pictures
The Finish!
Country Music Hall of Fame, Nashville - the flood
Old Hickory Dam - the flood
Opryland - the flood
The Weiner!!
This past Thursday, a beautiful sunny morning I woke up and looked out the door and saw a blue plastic wrapped newspaper. That made me smile. I almost shouted, "The New York Times is here! The New York Times is here!" I didn't want to scare Felice the cat, so I just got the paper. I know, I sound like such a rube. That's ok I am a rube; country gal living in the city. This is the first day of my subscription.
Half the city of Louisville was outraged last Sunday when the paper did not get printed and delivered as usual. Letters to the editor appeared Tuesday and every one was another tale of out of town guests chiding their hosts because this is such a Podunk city we can't get a daily paper printed and delivered. The Courier-Journal had their huge German made, multi-million dollar press go down and no matter what they did, couldn’t get it started again in time to print the "news" sections. We received the pre-printed ads and rotogravure magazine, which were printed earlier in the week. Street sales were printed in Indianapolis. We subscribers received the rest of the paper Monday!
Wednesday there were letters from former paper carriers who told people to get a grip. That was also the day the local Insight cable was down. The report was that sometime during the night the technicians were performing routine maintenance on the router and it died. The back-up router from Lexington died too.
Like all those others I missed having the paper on Sunday to read while watching CBS Sunday, as well as not having television news early before work. I was able to endure without too much upset because I turned on the radio. While scientists tell us that their studies show people who live orderly lives are healthier and live longer, I don't mind a change in routine.
Things have settled down and a frend came by. He was laughing about my grass having grown so much from recent rains and two weeks of no mowing, as to be almost to my knees. I told him the thing is I'm short!My lawn has gone to clover.
Alone on a block of manicured lawns
My yard has native grasses.
Its wildness an affront to the orderly.
All the things we do, read, watch, talk about are not that important. I consider myself lucky to have shelter. The question was asked the other day: Can a person be too rich? I think when someone is so wealthy they are insulated from every inconvenience and there isn't a single thing in the world they could want that they can't have, then a person is too rich.
I think of that line from the friend's poem describing clover growing in his lawn, "It's wildness an affront to the orderly." describes a worthy goal in our later years; wildness and an affront to the orderly.
SMILE
Rachel
Amazing Picture
